Toddlers who resent new babies

You may be excited about the birth of your new baby but it’s highly likely that your toddler is mighty confused about it. There are things you can do to prepare your toddler for the upheaval she’ll go through when her new brother or sister is born and build that baby-toddler bond, but do accept the fact that although you may be excited about the impending birth she likely won’t share in your anticipation – in fact, she might be pretty put out by the new arrival.

Understand how she feels

Imagine your partner came in one day and announced he was bringing a third party into your relationship and you’d be expected to help care for her. You’d feel pretty out! That’s how your toddler feels – that she has been pushed aside by the new baby – and she’s bound to be jealous about it. She’s used to being the center of attention, too, and may feel overshadowed by your newborn, especially when family and friends start arriving to admire the newcomer, bringing gifts for him.

Try not to let it upset you if she doesn’t seem interested or appears to resent your new baby – at the end of the day, she’s at a stage where she too needs a lot of focused attention from you and she won’t be used to sharing Mommy with a sibling. The key to avoiding sibling rivalry is to build the sibling bond. You can do this by involving her as much as you can with your new baby, and also to find ways to care for your newborn that don’t exclude your toddler from the attention she needs as well as special one-on-one time with you. Here’s how to do it…

Prepare her ahead of the birth

Build a bond before your baby is born by letting your toddler place her hand on the bump to feel her baby brother or sister move. Tell her that the baby can hear her voice and have her sing nursery rhymes to the bump – it’ll be even more fun if she sings them down a cardboard tube or special megaphone you’ve made from a piece of construction paper. Take her with you to prenatal appointments so she can hear the baby’s heartbeat and if you can allow her to accompany you to a scan so she can see the baby on screen. All of these tactics will ensure the baby is less of a surprise to her.

Help her write her own birth plan

Some parents have their children at the birth of their siblings but if you feel your toddler wouldn’t cope with seeing you in discomfort, then help her draw up her own birth plan for when you go into labor. It might include driving her to grandma’s house and all the interesting things she’s going to do there while you are giving birth. Help her draw pictures of what her day will be like – and you could even include a picture of her meeting her new baby brother or sister at the end of her birth plan.

After you’re home with the baby, look over her plan with her and ask her how many of these things she did and get her to tell you about them – it will show here that you were still thinking about her while you were apart.

Have the baby buy her a gift

It’s a great idea to produce a wrapped gift to your toddler from your baby as your toddler is likely to feel jealous of the fact the baby is being showered with gifts from family and friends. Ask relatives and friends to also bring a small gift for your toddler or alternately, stock up on inexpensive toys and trinkets from your local dollar store so she has something to open whenever your newborn receives a gift. Friends and family

Let her help

You obviously can’t expect your toddler to change diapers and give your baby feeds but you can involve her by letting her bring the clean diaper to you when it’s time for a change and maybe holding your baby’s bottle as you get comfortable before feeding her, or bringing you a cushion to support your baby during breastfeeds. It’s common for toddlers to act up when you are feeding your baby because they feel jealous of such close, intimate contact, so encourage her to cuddle close to you so she can be part of it.

Another great way to involve her is to have her help bath your baby – she can gently wash her hands and feet with a washcloth while you support her body (don’t let your toddler hold your newborn in the bath).

Don’t be too protective of your newborn

Many moms do report this – you will find your toddler has never looked so big and threatening as she does when you walk into the house with your newborn! Refer to your newborn as ‘our baby’ or by his name, never just as ‘the baby’, as this could alienate your toddler from him. Show your toddler how to gently hold her baby brother or sister’s hand and tell her that he grips it so tightly because he loves her. But don’t be surprised if your toddler loses interest fairly rapidly – there are far more interesting things than a newborn!

Make special time for your toddler

Your toddler needs reassurance that the new baby’s arrival doesn’t mean you love her any less. As often as you can, have a family member or close friend watch your baby so you can spend one-on-one time and family time with your toddler. And try to keep u any traditions you had before, such as always being the one to bath your toddler or read her a bedtime story, instead of passing these responsibilities over to your partner.

Your toddler will soon get used to your newborn but don’t expect problems to disappear completely, and be prepared for them to escalate once more when your baby gets on the move and your toddler’s toys aren’t safe!

The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.

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Last Modified: 05/07/2009

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