Sibling relations: Toddlers and new babies

How to stop your toddler turning into a green-eyed monster when baby No. 2 arrives.

Before the birth

Getting off to a good start with their new sibling is crucial to developing a good relationship later. You can start by getting your toddler used to the impending arrival of their new brother or sister by letting them touch your tummy and talking about the baby inside. Don’t start too early – toddlers have little sense of time and won’t understand the concept of “in four months”.
Make the most of the last few months you have with just the one child – use this one-on-one time to do fun things together that will be harder with a baby in tow.
Get him involved in preparations for the birth – he could choose a present for the new baby or some first clothes, and help get the nursery ready.
Avoid presenting the baby as a new “friend” for your toddler – for the first couple of years at least. This is unlikely to be the case and will create unrealistic expectations.

After the birth
One of the hardest things for toddlers to cope with is the attention that is usually lavished on new babies – most often at their expense! Prime relatives to fuss over the toddler too, and maybe even to bring him a small gift when they first come to see the new arrival.
Once you are home, try and give your toddler the chance to get close to the new baby – they will usually be fascinated by tiny toes and hands, and the noises the baby makes. All contact with the baby needs to be surpervised carefully, but don’t be overly protective of the baby, which could make your toddler feel rejected and jealous.
Emphasise that the baby is interested in the toddler and is watching what he is doing and learning from him.
Giving your toddler a toy baby of their own, with all the related paraphernalia, can help them feel more involved as they copy you feeding and changing nappies.
Once your baby is a few months old, you can start letting your toddler have some independent contact with her – under supervision again, but give him some space to play gently with her.
Make sure that you make special time to be with your toddler on their own. This can be easier when your new baby is small and will hopefully be sleeping for periods during the day. In the early days you will be spending a lot of time feeding the baby, so to avoid your toddler getting bored or jealous, or disappearing and getting up to mischief while you are preoccupied, try and involve him in an activity that you can do at the same time, such as reading a book together.

How will my toddler deal with the new baby?
While most toddlers cope well with their new sibling, some do have a rocky start to their relationship.

Jealousy and aggression
This behaviour is usually short-lived but can be distressing for parents while it lasts. Here are a few simple pointers for getting over those first few weeks of baby jealousy:

Try to maintain some degree of contact between your toddler and the new baby, however little may be safely possible. Keeping the two of them completely apart will make it harder to establish a relationship between them later. However, never leave your toddler alone with the baby, even for an instant, and supervise all contact very closely.
Invest in a secure playpen in which you can put the baby out of reach of your toddler.
Consider fixing a latch to the baby’s nursery door so that you can be sure that your toddler can’t get in when your baby is sleeping.
Avoid putting them together in close proximity, such as in a side-by-side double buggy or in the back of the car together.
Be sure to reassure your toddler of your continued love and attention, while making it very clear that this behaviour is unacceptable. As soon as you feel confident doing so, try bringing them together more for short periods. Give your toddler a role in helping to look after the baby – bringing you the bag of cotton wool, for example, for nappy changes, or choosing an outfit for her.

Indifference
Some toddlers react to the new arrival with complete and utter indifference. They may refuse to pronounce their name or look at them, and behave as if they don’t exist.

This is just another way of demonstrating their jealousy and confusion at the new situation, and you can handle it in the same way by being sure to demonstrate your continued love for them by spending special time together.

Encourage your toddler to talk about what they are feeling, but don’t push it – they may well not be able to vocalize all the conflicting emotions they are experiencing. What you do need to do is to help your toddler to realize that this new addition is here to stay.

Try and interest them in the baby, if not by direct interaction then by helping you. Often, children who react with indifference to a newborn suddenly become fascinated when their new sibling starts to become a bit more interactive.

The little helper
This is of course the ideal scenario – your tantrum-throwing toddler is suddenly transformed into a caring, mature little person. But be warned – in some cases this initial honeymoon phase can sometimes give way to delayed-reaction jealousy once the baby starts to move around and appropriate his toys, and the full impact finally starts to dawn on him.

To prepare for this possibility, try and get your toddler used to the fact that the new baby will grow and change, as they did – present this in a positive light (“you’ll be able to play and have such fun together!”) – and hopefully it won’t come as such a shock when it happens.

The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.

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Last Modified: 24/09/2008

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