Toddlers and new babies
Toddlers react to the arrival of a new baby sibling in different ways.; read here for gurgle's tips on how to help.
Before the birth
Getting off to a good start with their new sibling is crucial to developing a good relationship later…
- You can start by getting your toddler used to the impending arrival of their new brother or sister by letting them touch your tummy and talking about the baby inside. Don’t start too early – toddlers have little sense of time and won’t understand the concept of ‘in four months’.
- Make the most of the last few months you have with just the one child – use this one-on-one time to do fun things together that will be harder with a baby in tow.
- Get him involved in preparations for the birth – he could choose a gift for the new baby, or some first clothes, and help get the nursery ready.
- Avoid presenting the baby as a new ‘friend’ for your toddler – for the first couple of years at least, this is unlikely to be the case and will create unrealistic expectations.
After the birth
One of the hardest things for toddlers to cope with is the attention that is usually lavished on new babies – most often at their expense!
- Ask family and friends to fuss over your toddler too, and maybe even to bring him a small gift when they first come to see the new arrival.
- Once you’re home, try to give your toddler the chance to get close to the new baby – they’ll usually be fascinated by tiny fingers and toes, and the noises the baby makes! All contact with the baby needs to be carefully supervised, but don’t be overly protective of the baby – it could make your toddler feel rejected and jealous.
- Emphasize that the baby is interested in her big brother or sister and is watching what she is doing and learning from her.
- Giving your toddler a baby doll, with all the related paraphernalia, can help them feel more involved as they copy you feeding and changing diapers.
- Plan in some special time to be with your toddler on their own. This can be easier when your new baby is small and will hopefully be sleeping for periods during the day.
- In the early days you’ll be spending a lot of time feeding the baby, so to avoid your toddler getting bored or jealous (or disappearing and getting up to mischief while you’re preoccupied!) try to involve him in an activity you can do at the same time as nursing, such as reading a book together.
How will my toddler deal with the new baby?
While most toddlers cope well with their new sibling, some do have a rocky start to their relationship…
• Jealousy and aggression This behavior is usually short-lived but can be very upsetting and distressing for parents while it lasts. Be sure to reassure your toddler of your continued love and attention, while making it very clear that this behavior is unacceptable. Here are a few simple pointers for getting over those first few weeks of baby jealousy:
- Try to maintain some degree of contact between your toddler and the new baby, however little may be safely possible. Keeping the two of them completely apart will make it harder to establish a relationship between them later. However, never leave your toddler alone with the baby, even for an instant, and supervise all contact very closely.
- Invest in a secure play yard in which you can put the baby out of reach of your toddler.
- Consider fixing a latch to the baby’s nursery door so that you can be sure that your toddler can’t get in when your baby is sleeping.
- Avoid putting them together in close proximity, such as in a side-by-side double buggy or in the back of the car together.
- Give your toddler a role in helping to look after the baby – bringing you the clean diaper, for example, or choosing an outfit for her.
• Indifference? Some toddlers react to the new arrival with complete and utter indifference. They may refuse to pronounce their name, or look at them, and behave as if they don’t exist. This is just another way of demonstrating their jealousy and confusion at the new situation, and you can handle it in the same way by being sure to demonstrate your continued love for them by spending special time together.
- Encourage your toddler to talk about what they’re feeling, but don’t push it – they may well not be able to vocalize all the conflicting emotions they are experiencing.
- Help your toddler to realize that this new addition is here to stay by talking about your future together.
- Point out how their baby brother or sister is changing and becoming more aware every day – often children who react with indifference to a newborn suddenly become fascinated when their new sibling starts to become a bit more interesting!
• The little helper This is the ideal scenario – your tantrum-throwing toddler is suddenly transformed into a caring, mature little person…
- Be warned – in some cases, this initial honeymoon phase can sometimes give way to delayed-reaction jealousy once the baby starts to move around and appropriate his toys, and the full impact finally starts to dawn on him!
- To prepare for this possibility, try and get your toddler used to the fact that the new baby will grow and change, as they did – present this in a positive light (“you’ll be able to play and have such fun together!”) – and hopefully it won’t come as such a shock when it happens.
The information on this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.