Tantrums

We’ve all heard the warnings that the day will come when our angelic babies will turn into monsters overnight, throwing storm-force tantrums at the slightest provocation. So is it true that come the age of two our lives will be turned upside down? And if so, what can we do to make it easier for all concerned?

What is a tantrum?

The first thing to remember about tantrums is that they’re not just the preserve of the toddler. Many adults throw tantrums too, and the triggers can be just the same as those for toddlers – most commonly, frustration, a breakdown in communication, resentment at unfair treatment and generally being thwarted in our attempts to get what we want. The difference is that grown-ups tend to be better-equipped to deal with these situations, and this can be the key to understanding and coping with the toddler tantrum.

Tantrums can occur from 9 months onwards, and while the ages of one to two years are often peak tantrum time this doesn’t mean peace will break out once your child turns three. What does happen is that the reasons for the tantrums become more complex, and so often does the child’s behavior.

Here are some of the most common triggers of tantrums:

- Frustration at limited skills.

-  Communication failure.

- Being denied something.

- Rebellion against authority or resentment at unfair treatment.

- Infringement of territory, usually by other children.

- Feeling ignored or marginalized.

- Boredom

Hunger, tiredness or feeling ill can also be catalysts in the tantrum process, but are rarely causes in their own right.

Dealing with tantrums

There’s no one-size-fits-all way of dealing with tantrums – recognizing the tantrum trigger is the key to coping with it. A toddler who becomes frustrated with his inability to complete a puzzle and kicks the pieces across the room, screaming, will be better calmed by you patiently helping him to do what he’s attempting than by taking the puzzle away and giving him a time-out.

However, a child who deliberately seeks to disobey sensible rules set by his parents and throws a tantrum when caught in the act needs to be dealt with firmly and made to understand the potential consequences of his actions. For young children, this can be hard to do (for example, teaching your child the dangers of walking into the road without looking), and the only sensible course of action may well be a strict time-out. A child who feels they’re being ignored may throw a tantrum simply to gain some attention, and the clear solution to this kind of tantrum is to give them as little attention as possible, ignoring their behavior and even leaving the child on their own, where practicable.

Ways of dealing with tantrums

• Supporting If the tantrum is the result of your child’s frustration with their inability to master something or communicate his wishes, be firm when explaining that his behavior isn’t acceptable, but try to find a way of supporting and encouraging him as well. Show him that with a little patience and perseverance, he can succeed.

• Ignoring If your child is throwing a tantrum in order to gain attention, then the most sure-fire way to thwart them is to pay them no attention whatsoever – and leaving the room means they have no audience. In the short term, they may up the stakes in order to try to get you back – but it won’t be long before they realize it isn’t working and try other (hopefully more pleasant!) tactics instead. One thing which can be hard for parents to grasp is that for many children, negative attention is just as desirable as positive attention. Pointing out that everyone is staring may simply highlight a new benefit to public tantrum-throwing!

• Time-out? If a child is being deliberately destructive or has lost control to such a degree that he may hurt himself or those around him, you may face no option but a time-out in his room or a neutral space where he can let off steam safely and hopefully calm down. Bear in mind however that some children find it difficult to calm down by themselves, and may need to be calmed down by an activity, such as reading a story.

• Getting angry You don’t have to be a child psychologist to see that shouting at a tantrum-throwing toddler is reinforcing the very kind of behavior you’re trying to stop. You’re also likely to simply wind up your child even more… which can be pretty amusing to them! Keeping calm in the face of provocation will be one of the hardest tests you have to face with your child, but if you can manage it, it’ll pay dividends.

• Averting tantrums If your child regularly throws tantrums at the same time of day, or in the same kind of situation, try to find ways of heading off the tantrum before it occurs.

• Diverting attention Diverting your child’s attention at the crucial time can work wonders – try to find something that will capture their attention until the moment has passed, such as a simple game or activity. Keeping a child busy with something, however trivial, will give them less time to plan and execute their tantrum. Even a slight change of scene may head off the brewing storm – go outside, or even into a different room.

• Preventing tiredness and hunger Hunger and tiredness are often contributing factors, so having a supply of healthy snacks to keep them going, say, during a trip to the mall, may help avert a tantrum. Similarly, try avoiding shopping trips when your toddler is likely to be tired – if they are still napping in the afternoon, try going after their nap or first thing in the morning, when they’re likely to be awake and interested in what’s going on around them, rather than frustrated and bothered by it.

• Giving your child some choice and responsibility One of the prime triggers for a toddler tantrum is a feeling that they’re powerless to make their own choices. For example, a toddler may regularly rebel against getting dressed in the morning. If you usually choose their clothes and have a battle getting them into them, try giving them a choice instead – narrow it down (don’t give them the entire closet to choose from!) but let them feel that they’re making the final decision. If your child is a nightmare to take shopping, try getting them to help you choose some of your purchases, or unpack the shopping cart when you reach the checkout. Letting your child have a little say in what is going on can often mean far fewer tantrums.

The aftermath of a tantrum

This can be a difficult time. If you got angry with your child, you may try to compensate by giving lots of cuddles and attention once the storm has passed. What you’re doing here is really just assuaging your own guilt, and it won’t help to prevent future tantrums – far from it, if your child sees this make-up time as a reward for his efforts. Try instead to get a change of scene and do something active and fun, and be sure to praise good behavior.

The main thing to remember is: once it’s over, let it lie. Don’t keep reminding your toddler of their bad behavior – this just means that they are getting more attention for it.

Watch our video on dealing with tantrums for further advice.

The information on this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.