Sibling relations: Coping with sibling rivalry
Like it or not, sibling rivalry is a fact of life. And when there is the ultimate prize at stake – your love and attention – the battle may get fierce.
Parents who grew up as only children longing for siblings may find the regular fighting and arguing between brothers and sisters hard to understand, but it is all part and parcel of growing up and developing relationships.
We all hope that our children will be friends, but no amount of effort can guarantee this, and siblings who fight tooth and nail when they are young can grow to be the best of friends. What you can do as a parent is to try to treat your children with equal love and discipline from the start, while recognising that they may have very different personalities and temperaments, and that different methods of parenting may be needed for each one.
From the moment a new sibling arrives, there are many things that you can do to try and get the relationship off to as good start. Read Toddlers and new babies for help on how to achieve this.
What’s the ideal age gap?
Most parents who are planning to have more than one child give some thought to what might be the ideal age gap between siblings. Is it better to have them close together so that they can be companions, or is a wider age gap better, to avoid introducing a new baby to a tantrum-throwing toddler?
The truth is that there is no “ideal” age gap, and that we can no more plan for our children to be friends then we can for them to be mathematical geniuses.
Sometimes a small age gap can bring children closer together, at other times it can mean that they are constantly fighting for toys and attention. Take into account your own personal circumstances when deciding on how to time your second and subsequent pregnancies, bearing in mind how you have coped the first time round, the times you found stressful and so on as well as age and financial concerns. See our article 'Are we ready for another baby'?
Siblings who fight
Dealing with children who fight and argue a lot can be very challenging for parents. A lot of children indulge in what seems to be very rough play but stops short of fighting, and this shouldn’t be treated in the same way, although it should be checked if it gets too rough. However, teasing and baiting are just as unpleasant as outright physical fighting, and should be nipped in the bud.
gurgle's top tips for sibling harmony
- Avoid wading in at the first sign of trouble. Listen-in but try to wait and see if they can resolve the conflict themselves before the fighting gets too serious.
- If the fighting is an attempt to gain your attention, the best thing to do is not to give it.
- Try and find a way of diverting your children's attention, either by introducing some new game or activity, or even changing the scene by getting outside in the garden or park, for example.
- Unless it is a clear-cut case, avoid getting involved in protracted discussions about who is at fault. You’re unlikely to ever discover the truth of the matter, so act decisively without taking sides to defuse the argument. You should certainly discourage your children from tale-telling on each other; however if it is clearly the case that one child is repeatedly picking on the other, then this should be dealt with appropriately.
- If the children are repeatedly fighting, separation for a time may be the only key. If another parent or caregiver is available to take one child out to the park for half-an-hour this may be all it takes to calm the situation. Otherwise, time-outs in separate rooms may be the answer.
Appreciating differences
No two children are ever going to be exactly alike. Even twins can differ enormously in character, and children’s characters develop and change as they grow older. Realising that differences are actually something to be enjoyed and celebrated is key to a happy family dynamic, while comparing children and wishing one were more like the other can only make for trouble ahead and exacerbate any rivalry already developing.
Individual versus family time
Many parents worry that the second and subsequent children don’t get as much attention as the first. It’s unavoidable that the second child will not have your undivided attention as their elder sibling did, but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing – they learn early on that they have to share you and your time with someone else, and don’t expect your undivided attention.
The important thing is to try and spend quality time with your children individually. Avoid the temptation to do the same things with both just because it is easier for you – find out what they like and what they are interested in doing, and try to cater to their individual personalities and build on their individual strengths.
Of course, it’s also important to do things together as a family, and when doing this you should try and find activities that can be enjoyed, maybe at different levels, by all the members of the family. Forcing the youngest member to struggle to keep up with older siblings will simply exacerbate his frustration and breed resentment against his older brothers and sisters.
The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.
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Last Modified: 24/09/2008
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