Children who lie
Children lie for many different reasons. It may be a simple matter of not wanting to own up to something, or it may be more calculated and an attempt to gain sympathy or attention. Again, one of the best ways to teach your children the importance of being truthful is to teach by example and do your best to bring them up in an atmosphere of trust and honesty.
- If you know your child has done something, don’t give them the opportunity to lie about it. Avoid asking open questions such as “who did this?”, or “what happened here?”. If you know the truth of the matter, state it in no uncertain terms.
- Reward your child for telling the truth. If they own up to something, don’t explode with rage – it’s obvious that they are unlikely to want to do so in future.
- If you suspect that your child is making things up or embellishing a situation to gain sympathy, don’t dismiss it out of hand but try gently to get at the full truth of the situation. Explain that repeated lies will make people not believe anything they say, even when they are telling the truth.
- Lead by example and don’t lie to your toddler, however well-meaning the lie may be (for example, telling them something won’t hurt when it probably will).
- Avoid giving your child the impression that it’s all right to lie your way out of an awkward situation; for example, saying that all the candy is finished only to have your toddler later discover the piece you saved for yourself! If you don’t want your child to have any more, be honest and say that you’re saving it for later, and produce it after dinner as a treat.
Pretending versus lying
Many parents agonize about when to come clean over things like Santa Claus or the tooth fairy, and worry that their children will accuse them of lying to them. This is a difficult call to make, and you should give some thought to how you’ll deal with the eventual question, “Is there really a tooth fairy?” You could perhaps explain that pretending can sometimes be nice and fun, just as pretending to be someone in the context of a game can be fun, as long as it’s clear that it’s only pretending.
Children have vivid imaginations and may make up an imaginary friend at some stage. This isn’t the same as lying and should be indulged to an extent, as long as you make it clear that this is just another aspect of having fun by pretending.
White lies
Children can often catch their parents out in little ‘white lies’, such as an attempt to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, and accuse them of lying. Explain that sometimes it’s acceptable not to tell the truth if that truth will hurt someone or make them sad, for example, if your child didn’t like the sweater that granny knitted for her, explain that it’s all right to say that she did like it, because if she says she doesn’t then granny’s feelings will be hurt. This is all part of developing compassion and understanding other people’s feelings.
If you want to find out how other parents cope with their children lying, you can talk to them on the behavior area of our chat forum. If you prefer, you could ask a question in the toddler area of our answers page. Remember to upload your favourite photo of your child into one of our galleries, like Birthday Time or Monsters.
The information on this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.