Helping your child to overcome frustration

As they become more independent many children start to suffer immense frustration. This can be rooted in their inability to communicate their needs and feelings adequately, the incomprehensible nature of the adult world around them, or because they lack the physical ability to perform all the tasks that they’d like to do.

We all know that this frustration is a common cause of tantrums, but it can also lead to your child becoming reluctant to try new things for fear of failing and his self-esteem being damaged. Where you can, try to make the distinction between behavior that’s the product of frustration and a child who is simply behaving badly (see our tantrums article and watch our video for help on dealing with tantrums). Patience, understanding and gentle encouragement are vital in helping your child overcome frustration, and you can set a good example by controlling your own frustration at certain situations and showing your toddler how to cope constructively with this emotion. Remember, too, that frustration can actually be a positive thing in that it spurs children on to achieve their goals and make progress!

There are certain key areas in which toddlers experience frustration:

• Frustration in communication This can be a problem even for children who are extremely articulate, as some of the concepts that they’re trying to communicate and understand are just not within their grasp. Be patient and encouraging without trying to put words in their mouth – make helpful suggestions and ask questions that will hopefully help you to understand what they want.

• Frustration at having to wait All toddlers get very frustrated at not having their demands met immediately, as they have little concept of time and don’t understand the constraints on the grown-ups around them. Waiting to have a turn on a swing or slide, or letting someone else finish talking before they start, are all good lessons in waiting that can be taught early on in life. Avoid repeatedly stopping what you’re doing to cater to their demands unless absolutely necessary, or allowing them to interrupt you while speaking – this doesn’t teach them a very helpful lesson, and they’ll become more demanding as a result.

• Frustration at physical limitations? Little hands and feet can rarely meet the demands of little minds, and this can end in terrible frustration when towers of Lego keep falling down, jigsaw puzzles won’t fit together, and clothes and shoes won’t cooperate.

It’s hard to let your child embark on a task which you feel will probably end in failure, but trying and failing is part of becoming independent and developing new skills. Children need to work out how to do things themselves – they won’t learn and progress if everything is constantly being done for them. So unless you feel that the attempt might result in injury or damage, or if you feel it is really way beyond them and will only compound their frustration, try and let go and allow them the time and space to try.

While you want your toddler to be challenged by interesting and stimulating toys, try to select age-appropriate toys that won’t be too far beyond his capabilities. In an environment with older children or siblings, this can be difficult, and younger children always want to be able to do what the older children around them are doing, be it playing computer games or soccer in the garden. In this situation, try and find something similar but age-appropriate which your younger child can enjoy, and which will help him build up the skills he needs.

• Frustration at lack of independence Parents can inadvertently frustrate their child by failing to give them the freedom to make their own decisions and exert some control over their lives. This can be because we feel that we don’t have the time to do so, and that ‘we know best’ and our child isn’t capable of making their own sensible decisions or performing certain tasks. However, at this stage in your child’s development, it’s very important to give them the chance to develop their own personality and identity, and this means giving them the time and space to do so.

Think about ways in which you can facilitate your child’s independence in the home: get a small step so that he can reach the sink to wash his hands by himself; buy clothes and shoes with simple fastenings, such as Velcro, which he can do up and undo himself; give him a degree of choice when getting dressed or choosing a snack. He’ll start to learn the importance of making sensible choices and taking responsibility for them.

Key hints on how to avoid frustration in your child

- Keep your expectations realistic and avoid being too critical.

- Don’t be patronizing – if he’s dissatisfied with his achievement, don’t praise it to the skies. Pick out good points and then offer constructive advice.

- Offer help and encouragement where needed, but don’t take over.

- Don’t put pressure on him to keep attempting a task if he has really had enough.

- Don’t get frustrated with his frustration – setting a good example of calmness and patience will eventually rub off!

The information on this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.

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Last Modified: 18/06/2007

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