Disciplining your toddler

When deciding on how to discipline your toddler, keep in mind at all times what you’re trying to achieve. Discipline should never be solely about trying to make our lives as parents easier, but rather part of bringing up our children to be well adjusted, happy, sensible and sensitive members of society.

This can be distilled into four key areas:

• Understanding right and wrong Some moral concepts may be hard for small children to understand fully, and the best way to demonstrate what we mean is by setting a good example and practicing what we preach – avoid lying, for example. Try to keep moral arguments short, simple and consistent.

• Developing self-control and self-discipline A childhood which has been lived in a parental police-state is unlikely to encourage children to think for themselves, and any rules that have been obeyed through fear are likely to be gleefully abandoned the moment your child flies the nest. Getting your child to understand their feelings and make sensible decisions early on will help to sow the seeds of healthy self-discipline in adulthood.

• Understanding how their actions affect others Toddlers are by nature self-centered and have a hard time understanding how what they do affects others around them. Learning that they’re part of a wider, interconnected community will help them grow into sensitive children and compassionate adults (see building social skills).

• Staying safe Toddlers have very little common sense and little understanding of danger, and it is our responsibility as parents to ensure that they learn the rules of staying safe in today’s world.

So much for the theories behind disciplining our children, but the practical day-to-day grind of keeping little children safe, manageable and happy, and ourselves sane, is another matter entirely.

The way in which you discipline your child will depend very much on your child herself, your own temperament and skills as a parent, your practical situation and the nature of the transgression. However, there are certain tried-and-tested methods which do work when deployed consistently and in moderation:

• Praise for good behavior This sounds obvious, but parents do tend to give far more attention to bad behavior than good behavior. For children who feel they aren’t getting enough attention, any attention – even if it‘s negative – is better than none at all. With this in mind, be sure to praise them when they’re good and try to avoid exploding at bad behavior.

• Time-out and the naughty step The idea behind giving your child a time-out, either by sending them to their room or putting them on the ‘naughty step’ (or naughty chair or in the naughty corner) is to remove them from the center of activity and give them time to cool off and (for older children) reflect on their actions. It can also give parents a valuable breathing space and time to reflect, calm down and think sensibly. The length of time that the child is removed can vary depending on necessity, but be sure to keep track of the minutes and agree a plan of action with your child once it’s over.

• Explanation Don’t expect your toddler to understand high-flown moral concepts or complex arguments about compassion and the greater good. They will simply switch off. Simple explanations that are brief and to the point, if repeated often enough, will start to sink in. Putting your child in someone else’s shoes – “How would you feel if Cody did that to you?” may work for older children, but not for younger toddlers. If you’re finding it hard to justify a certain rule to a child, think about it: is it a necessary or reasonable rule?

• Let your child suffer the natural consequences of their crime Learning that all actions to have consequences is a hard lesson for children, but a helpful one. A child who trashes his room, only to find that later on his favorite toys are broken, is unlikely to do it again.

• Three strikes and you’re out Giving your child a warning that they’re misbehaving is only fair, even if they’re knowingly breaking a house rule. Give them a chance to mend their ways before it’s too late. Of course, you must always follow through with any threatened punishment, or your warnings will become meaningless.

• Confiscation Taking away a particular toy or privilege is best used in a situation where there’s a direct link between the crime and what’s confiscated. For example, if a child has used a particular toy to hit another child, or has broken the toy in a tantrum, confiscation can be used to reinforce the concept that it’s wrong to hit other people, or that they should take care of their toys. Randomly confiscating their favorite teddy in response to an unrelated transgression is unlikely to teach any long-lasting lessons.

The golden rules of discipline

However you choose to discipline your child, there are some basic guiding principles which should underpin any techniques you deploy…

• Set sensible limits All experts agree that small children behave better when they’re aware of the limits and boundaries in their lives. If they aren’t clear as to where these lie, they will constantly be trying to find them and push at them. However, it’s important to ensure that any rules or limits that you set are reasonable and achievable.

• Recognize what they can and can’t do or understand Don’t try to impose rules your child can’t follow or understand, or punish behavior which is simply a function of their age and development. It’s not reasonable to expect a young toddler never to drop a crumb at mealtimes; it is however reasonable to ask them not to throw their food on the floor.

• Be consistent One of the most vital aspects of good discipline is being consistent. There’s no point in punishing your child one day for doing something which you disregard the next, perhaps because you can’t face another run-in with them or you are too busy with something else. If your child learns that the repercussions of their actions will always be the same for the same transgression, they’ll start to understand that there’s a clear line they shouldn’t cross.

Follow through There’s no point threatening action which you have no intention of carrying out, as your child will soon realize that these are empty threats. If you threaten something, do it, and do it directly after your child misbehaves – children have short memories and delayed punishment will confuse them.

• Differentiate between accidents and intentional bad behavior, and be sure who is the culprit before taking action This can be hard, and you may want to err on the side of caution if it isn’t clear. Repeatedly punishing a child for something accidental, or not their fault, is a sure-fire way of building up resentment and, later, rebellion against your authority.

• Give them some rights Imagine how you’d feel working for a boss who gave you no say at all in the day-to-day running of the workplace and expected you to follow a set of rules in which you had no say. Give your child a little voice and responsibility and they’ll usually respond favorably, hopefully developing skills of self-control and self-discipline along the way.

The information on this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.