Biting and hitting

Many mums and dads have spent sleepless nights wondering their child is set on a path towards delinquency when they hear that they have been hitting and biting other children at nursery. Why do many young children resort to violence, and how can you teach your child what is unacceptable behaviour?

Young children who lash out using their hands or teeth are usually merely venting frustration and annoyance, often if another child is playing with a toy they want, or is in their way (see our feature on Helping your child to overcome frustration). They aren’t being malicious or deliberately aggressive, as they haven’t yet fully worked out how their actions can affect others. Helping your child to realise that biting and hitting hurt can be a slow process, and being on the receiving end isn’t always enough to put them off. A child may see a child biting another at nursery, for example, or even be bitten themselves, and copy this behaviour, particularly if they saw that it got the desired result.

Biting, with all its animal connotations, often horrifies parents more than if their child hits or pushes other children. However, it is usually born of the same frustrations and doesn’t warrant special status. The horrified reaction of parents can often prolong biting, so try not to treat it any differently to other forms of unacceptable behaviour.

Dealing with biting and hitting
Biting and hitting are unacceptable forms of behaviour, and should always be treated as such. Here are some techniques for dealing with biting, hitting and other aggressive behaviour in children:

- Explain why it’s not done. On each occasion that it happens, you should explain patiently that biting and hitting hurt, and that this is why we don’t hit or bite other people. It may take a while for this message to sink in, but constant repetition will eventually get the message across. Keep the message brief, simple and consistent, and avoid lecturing them, as they will switch off.

- Remove potential weapons. If your toddler has a propensity to lash out, remove objects and toys which could be dangerous. If your child hits another with a particular toy, a good technique is to confiscate the weapon, explaining clearly why you are doing so and that if it happens again, then that toy will be taken away too.

- Don’t favour the aggressor with your attention. If you are dealing with two children, and one bites or hits the other, be sure to offer sympathy and cuddles to the victim first before admonishing the aggressor. They shouldn’t see that they get your attention first.

- Set a good example. It’s obvious that shouting “don’t hit your sister!” and giving your child a smack sends out the wrong signals. Don’t be tempted to lash out yourself, however much you are provoked, as this just teaches your toddler that it’s acceptable to use violence if you are provoked.

- Talk it through. As your child’s communication skills improve, try to encourage them to express their feelings of anger and frustration in words.

- Encourage social skills. Help them to see that they may well get what they want by asking another child politely if they can play with the desired toy, instead of grabbing it from them or pushing them out of the way. Promote sharing with other children, and with adults (See Sharing)

- Find constructive outlets for energy. Help your child to find positive way of expending their energy – a lot of rough play and aggressive behaviour can be caused at least in part by pent-up energy, so try and find non-aggressive outlets for this.

- Control access to violent imagery – the debate about how violence in comics, films and on TV can affect children’s behaviour continues to rage. Bear in mind that children are prone to copy behaviour that they see, especially if perpetrated by close adults or “heroes”, and make your own judgements about what you think may or may not be appropriate for them to watch or read.

- Don’t overreact – many children – boys and girls - enjoy playing roughly, and while their behaviour may seem too rough for your liking, a lot of the time it can be harmless fun. Avoid wading in and scolding children who are just enjoying a bit of rough and tumble, but be alert to unacceptable behaviour and nip it in the bud.

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Last Modified: 24/09/2008

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