When your toddler says "no" to everything

There’s a theory that toddlers use the word ‘no’ more than any other word because it’s the one they hear the most often! Whether or not that’s true, it’s certainly the case that many toddlers do go through a phase of saying it a lot and adopting a very contrary attitude to the world around them – most significantly towards their parents and caregivers.

No is a magical word for a toddler – it’s essentially his first means of wielding some power over his parents! By saying it, he’s making a choice and expressing his independence. Many toddlers who’ve only just discovered the power of ‘no’ take it to extremes, even refusing something they obviously want – “Do you want some ice cream?” “No!” – just for the sake of it. Toddlers also love the effect that their ‘no’ saying has on their parents, especially when it provokes an explosion of frustration – or, even better, a whole range of options they’d never have thought of before they discovered the power of ‘no’…

“What do you want in your sandwiches – peanut butter?”

“No!”

“Jelly?”

“No!”

“Ham?”

“No!” (And so on!)

So how do you deal with your contrary child? The first thing to remember is that the novelty will soon wear off, especially when they realize that saying “No!” to everything eventually proves to be counterproductive. Try to work out if your toddler is expressing a genuine wish not to have or do something, or whether it’s simply for effect. Next time they say “No!” to a favorite activity, or refuse a treat, take them at their word – and after a few times hopefully they’ll start to realize that “No” should be kept for times when they mean it.

It’s true that hearing the word ‘no’ a lot from their primary caregiver doesn’t help matters, so try to avoid overusing it – we do all use it more than we think we do. Remember that a sharp “No!” is a dead-end – it doesn’t offer any alternate course of action. If they’re playing yet again with granny’s fragile lamp, rather than shouting “No! for the umpteenth time, suggest an alternative activity to distract them. This will hopefully prevent them from having a full-blown tantrum, as it will deflect the situation.

Try to put a positive spin on the phrases you use with your child. Follow up your “No!” with an explanation as to why something isn’t possible, or sensible, and encourage your child to make positive choices rather than negative ones. As your toddler grows and develops, he’ll soon learn that this approach is far more effective in getting him what he really wants.

Remain as patient and calm as possible – if your toddler sees you getting wound up, they're likely to rebel to get a reaction. Give your toddler choices, so they feel as if they're being given some freedom and aren't being dictated to. For instance, rather than saying, “Put your shoes on,” ask them whether they'd prefer to wear sneakers or shoes. Try not to give your toddler too much choice, however, as this is likely to confuse them – stick to one or two options.

It might also help to ensure that your child is in a stable routine – for instance that he or she eats dinner at 6pm and is in bed by 7pm. This will give them a sense of stability and security and is likely to have a calming influence on them, controlling their rebellious behavior. Children often use the word ‘no’ when their vocabulary is fairly limited and they don't know how to express themselves properly yet.

For more information on helping your toddler to talk, watch our video toddler talking: how to help.

The information on this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.