Tips for teaching your toddler social skills
Toddler social skills are a work in progress. Your child just doesn’t understand what makes other people, and children, tick. You often may see her just watching other children play without joining in, or playing alongside other toddlers, doing the exact same activity but totally ignoring her counterpart. It’s called parallel play, but although your child may appear to be unaware of other children even though they’re sitting right next to her she likely is very much aware of them and keeping a close eye on what they’re doing! Even though she may not interact with them she is getting a sense of companionship that will gradually develop into co-operation and shared play.
In order to help her achieve this progression, you’ll need to coach her in social skills. And it may be hard at times. Although she is likely just starting to develop a sense of empathy with others – for example, she may cry if she sees another child crying – she won’t yet grasp how her actions impact on them. This means toddlers can be aggressive at times, hitting out and snatching toys from each other without understanding how it hurts the other child’s feelings. So how can you teach her to relate well to others? Here are gurgle’s tips for teaching social skills…
1. Show her how much you care
It’s so important to demonstrate empathy to your child. Each time you hug her and tell her you know how sad she feels or how much it hurts, you’re teaching her a valuable lesson in how to respond to others who are upset or hurt. Being able to empathize with others is vital for developing successful friendships as she grows, so introduce her to the concept of thinking about how others might be feeling and noticing if they are sad. For example: “Oh dear, Cody is crying because you took away that toy. Shall we make him happy again by letting him play with it for a little longer?”
2. Help her recognize how she’s feeling
When your child is aggressive or unkind her actions will usually be underpinned by fear and hurt feelings– fear that a toy is going to be taken away, or anger that another child pushed her over. Acknowledge the feelings that your child is expressing, help her to label the emotions and offer her solutions: “I know you spent a long time making that sandcastle. You must feel very sad that the sea came in and knocked it down, but why don’t we build a better one further away from the water?”; “I know you’re angry that Josh took your toy truck but why don’t you play with this one instead? It’s faster!”
3. Set limits on aggression
Nip acting out and
tantrums in the bud straightaway so your child doesn’t get into the habit of using them to get her own way. Giving her language she can use to
express her feelings will help prevent her from expressing them physically, and so can giving her other ways of showing you how mad she is. For example, give her some paper and crayons and get her to draw how she’s feeling. After all, she’s entitled to get mad – she just needs to learn how to manage it and express it in a socially acceptable way.
4. Don’t force sharing too soon
Sharing is an important part of social skills but don’t push your child into it before she’s ready. She needs to feel secure in herself and her ownership of her possessions before she will easily let other children play with them. For toddlers, it’s their ownership of their possessions that helps define their identity: they are the child with you as their mom, with that truck, with that doll. If another toddler is playing with those things, then she may feel she is no longer herself.
5. Help her learn to share when she’s ready
You can help ease your toddler into the concept of sharing by playing turn-taking games with her or by specifically asking her if you can play or cuddle with a precious toy for a few moments ad the making a big deal of giving it back to her because you only borrowed it and it’s still hers. If she has brothers and sisters, make sure you have plenty of toys that are universal – crayons, coloring books, play dough – that you only sit down to play with when you are all together.
6. Keep some things just for her
Toddlers often embrace the concept of sharing more easily if their most precious possessions aren’t among those that are up for grabs on playmates. Let your child put away anything really precious but all the while stress to her that her playmate buddies will be sharing her other toys. Another good idea can be to have a selection of toys that just come out for playmates but aren’t strictly hers – you could tell her that they’re your toys and the fact she feels less possessive of them may mean she’ll share them more willingly.
7. Model good social skills
You attempts to train your child to share well and stem any feeling of aggression to express herself in a socially acceptable way will be all for naught if she doesn’t see you behaving in the same way! Try to avoid expressing your frustration in an overly aggressive manner, whether physical or verbal. And show her that you share too – share your snacks with her and have a box of old clothes and interesting objects in your room that you allow her to share. Make a big fuss over announcing that you’re sharing those things with her and she’ll learn from your example.
The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.
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Last Modified: 01/02/2009
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