Helping your child deal with divorce and separation

Divorce and separation is becoming more and more common, with almost 50% of children growing up in single-parent households. If your relationship ends in divorce or separation the day-to-day effects on your child will depend on her age but even if she seems to bounce back it’s possible that she could experience long-term consequences. It’s thought that about a quarter of children whose parents divorce develop emotional and/or behavioral problems and statistics show they’re more likely to do poorly at school, get involved in juvenile and go through a divorce themselves in adulthood. Single parents face unique challenges that can make life more complicated for their children.

How you deal with your divorce can make all the difference. For two many parents it becomes a battle with their children caught in the middle. The best way you can protect your child from the fallout is to do your best to set aside any bitterness you may feel and reach a degree of co-operation when it comes to parenting as a team, even if you’re no longer a couple. Your child needs to know that while you may be living separately you’re all still part of the same family.

Telling your child

A young baby or toddler might not be all that aware that her other parent is no longer living at home, especially if she tended to have more day-to-day contact with the remaining parent. But your preschooler, and any older siblings, will need to know what’s going on.

If at all possible, agree what you’re going to say to your child and then do it together. With a young child the basics are sufficient: ‘Mommy and daddy are going to live in separate houses for a while.’ All the while you need to reassure her that you both still love her.

Your older child may have questions about where she is going to live and where the parent who is leaving will live. Be prepared in advance for what you’re going to say – discuss custody and visits, as any uncertainly you demonstrate will only add to your child’s confusion.

Your child’s reaction

For a young child, their parents are the center of the universe so she’s likely to have fears and concerns even if she isn’t old enough to adequately express them. She may well exhibit some behavioral symptoms – for example, she may regress to comfort habits she had outgrown, such as sucking her thumb or carrying around a lovey or blankie to comfort herself. She also may regress to an earlier developmental stage, wanting a bottle, using a potty instead of the adult toilet, being clingy and taking longer to settle at night.

It’s vital to reassure your child that the world as she knows it will still continue. She can’t see the deeper issues – she’ll focus on simple things, like will her teddy still live at home with her, will she still sleep in her bed. She needs to know that her needs will still be met. Keeping up your usual routines can help maintain her sense of security, so keep bedtime, mealtime and house rules the same as they’ve always been so she’ll know that in a very real sense life is continuing as before.

At a very deep level even a young child might feel that her parent has left because of something she did, or because they don’t love her anymore. She may also fear that because daddy stopped loving you he might stop loving her. Ensuring she still spends time with your partner is vital to preserve her self-esteem. Although you can’t hide the fact that things will change, reassuring your child that you both love her and that it will last forever will help her to cope.

Parenting together

It’s vital that you both buy into the same game plan for parenting your child after you separate and don’t subconsciously attempt to be the ‘favorite’ parent by dropping your guard when it comes to your parenting style and discipline. You might be tempted to try to make things up to your child by letting rules and boundaries lapse, but your child needs those to stay in place to help her feel secure.

The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.

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Last Modified: 22/03/2009

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