Nurturing your child’s friendships
We all want our children to get on well with others, and children who have difficulties forming relationships with others often have low self-esteem as a result. But babies aren’t born with social skills and a toddler’s lack of understanding when it comes to things like sharing skills can mean that early friendships don’t run as smoothly as you hope. So what can you do to ensure your child is making friends and not frenemies?
First friendships
Babies tend to play very separately from each other and you’ll likely notice that your baby studiously ignores others. This is partly to do with the fact that your baby really sees himself as an extension of you and your attention is all he really wants. As he becomes more mobile, he’s able to move way from you by himself and this is when his sense of independence really starts to develop.
Feeling
confident enough to physically move away from you is a big factor in his
social skills because it means you no longer are the focus of his attention and he can start to interact more with others. But he’ll still engage in what’s called ‘parallel play’ where he may be sitting next to another toddler but will tend to play individually. And as your child reaches preschooler and kindergarten age, you’ll see much more interaction with friends as they role play and share leadership.
Social skills
While your child might be starting to think about making friends and playing with other toddlers, he won’t possess the
social skills needed to do this peacefully! Toddlers work on the basis of ‘what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine too’, which can be a problem when it comes to sharing. Plus, the fact they don’t have the verbal skills to express their
frustration means they tend to resort to physical methods of expressing it: hitting and
biting.
A great way of nurturing these first friendships is to start to teach your toddler very simple words and phrases he can use to tell you how he feels without hitting out. Another good precaution is to keep playdates short – an hour at the most – and have plenty of activities on hand so you can distract your child or his playmate if they look as if they’re about to come to blows! And always be sure to put away anything really precious that you just know will trigger World War 3 if your child’s playmate wants to share it. Turn-taking is a vital part of sharing, so using an egg timer to make sure each child gets the same amount of time to play with a toy before giving it to the other is a good way to teach that concept.
Once your child reaches preschooler and kindergarten age, he’ll probably be playing with larger groups of children and here’s where shy kids can run into problems. Teaching your child a basic meet-and-greet: “My name is Josh, can I play with you?” can help him find a way into established groups of children so that he can join in with what they’re playing. Another good tactic is to teach him how to start a game: if he approaches a group of children and says “Let’s play tag, I’ll be it” they likely won’t be able to resist giving chase.
Helping your shy child make friends
Ensuring that your baby spends lots of time in the company of other adults and babies can set a foundation for him feeling comfortable when it comes to interacting with others, but some children do still have problems with
shyness. If your child is shy it’s important not to overwhelm him on playdates – keep it to one or two special friends, and help him get organized for it before hand by maybe choosing some toys they can play with or deciding on a game. A really shy child also can benefit from having a playmate who’s a year or so younger: he’ll feel more confident simply because he’s the oldest.
Modeling good friendship skills
You are your child’s first teacher and this applies to friendship skills too. Sow your child that you have the ability to share and listen to another person’s point of view by parenting him in that. Socialize as much as you can, have friends over, and explain to your child why you value their friendship and how they help and support you. In doing this you’re showing your child how friends can cooperate, and show kindness, compassion and empathy for each other. Never let your child hear you badmouthing your friends – always model respect for them.
The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.
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Last Modified: 24/05/2009
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