Coping with a child who has special needs
Every parent dreams of their baby as being perfect – and every baby is perfect in her own way. But every day babies are born with abnormalities, whether they be physical or cognitive. Even though you may have been informed that your baby will have special needs during your pregnancy, if a problem was discovered during an ultrasound scan or revealed by blood tests, you’ll likely be ill-equipped emotionally when your baby is born and you are confronted with the reality of her problem.
How you may feel
You may have had months to prepare for having a special needs baby but you may still feel ambivalent and upset at the unfairness of it all once she is born. You may keep wondering, ‘Why me?’ and mourn the baby you ‘lost’ in her place. Your emotions won’t be helped by the fact that you may be faced with making many important decisions in regard to her care in those first weeks, particularly if she needs special care in a neonatal intensive care unit.
It’s also possible that you may blame yourself for the fact that something is ‘wrong’ with your baby, and look back over what you did, what you ate, what you drank, while pregnant in an attempt to pinpoint where it all began. Try to keep in mind that it’s very rare that a mom’s actions while pregnant result in the birth of a special needs baby, and try not to apportion blame to your partner either, if, for example, you find out that your baby is suffering from a genetic abnormality that runs on their side of the family.
If you have other children it’s important that you try not to compare them. Measuring your special need’s child’s achievements against that of her
siblings means you run the risk of focusing on what she can’t do rather than what she can do. As she grows it could also make her more aware of the fact that she isn’t keeping up with them, which could affect her self-esteem and
confidence.
Practical issues
Your special needs child will likely take up more of your time than you expected and it’s vital that you do give her the attention she needs. In order that you can do this and spend as much time with her as you can, accept any and all offers of help and don’t feel guilty if you’re not spending as much time with family and friends as you usually do.
But within that, do take some time for yourself – it’s okay for you to have some me-time without feeling guilty because your special needs child depends on your energy and vitality and if your stressed and overwhelmed, her care may suffer. National organizations that deal with your child’s particular problem can be a source of great advice and tips on how to manage, as well as providing information on respite care that will give you a much-needed break.
There is no doubt that raising a special needs child can place great strain on your relationship – parents with special needs children report more marital distress. Continue to parent as a team and share chores, as resentment will arise if one parent is left to shoulder all the responsibility. If you have other children, don’t be tempted to split them between you as they will miss out on time with the other parent and may end up feeling that you or your partner are favoriting your special needs child.
Parenting your special needs child
Although your special needs child likely may need more emotional and physical support than a child without a disability it’s important that you allow her some
independence, as being able to do things by herself and make decisions by herself will boost her self-esteem. When it comes to behavior, understand that acting up and bad behavior may stem more from communication difficulties and difficulty in understanding the consequences of her actions than from any intention to misbehave.
Speaking her language can help you when it comes to encouraging good behavior. If she has difficulty with verbal communication, use reward charts and pictures to help her stick to a routine and make choices. Don’t ease up on discipline solely because she has special needs, though. While you may have to lower your expectations when it comes to good behavior you still need to set limits on bad behavior. But try to keep in mind that her behavior may be what’s developmentally appropriate for her even if it isn’t for another child her age.
Your special needs child’s siblings
If you have an older child he too will have had all sorts of hopes and dreams for his new baby brother or sister. Try to explain to him that his new sibling may not be able to do all the things you thought she would, using terms he can understand. Once your baby is born you may find that your older child becomes jealous if they think all of your attention is being focused on their special needs sibling. Older children may feel embarrassed about their sibling’s disability or may feel under more pressure to do chores in order to make up for the fact their sibling can’t.
Keep the peace by avoiding double standards as far as you can and treating your children as fairly as you can, even if your special needs child does require slightly more attention and focus. Make the effort to schedule special time with your other child so he doesn’t feel left out. But conversely, don’t overindulge your other child because you feel you have to make up for the fact that his sibling has special needs.
Keep things as normal as you can for your other child – don’t let his sibling’s special needs interfere with his life. Do the things all families do together and try to avoid relying on your other child to help too much with his sibling – he is a child too and can’t be expected to act as some sort of third parent. But do involve him in little things like fetching a diaper at change time, as this will help build his bond with his sibling.
The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.
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Last Modified: 14/06/2009
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