Losing a baby

It is very rare that babies die, but occasionally it does happen. Losing a baby at any stage in pregnancy or afterwards is devastating, and will be an immense shock to you and your partner.

There is always lots of support from those around you, including the staff at the hospital, who are specially trained to help you with your loss. As well as your family, friends and relatives, there are many support groups for parents and siblings who have been affected by the death of a baby. It can be helpful to meet other parents who have been through what you have, and who understand the emotion you are feeling at this time. Grief councillors can also help you to understand what has happened and your hospital staff or doctor can point you in the right direction if that is what you want.

How you will be feeling
The first feeling for many parents who have lost a child is to wonder if it was their fault. Mother's may agonise about whether they ate the right foods in pregnancy or whether they could have changed anything that happened. You will probably be playing the cirumstances over and over in your mind and thinking, 'I put him to bed that night, I should have known something was wrong', for example. It's perfectly natural to blame yourself, especially since parents are there to look after their children so will always see it as their fault when something goes wrong. The fact is, you never set out to intentionally harm your child so you have nothing to feel guilty about. Sometimes events happen which are out of our control and there is nothing we could have done to stop them.

Dealing with grief
A doctor called Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross described five stages of grief that people can experience when suffering from a loss. She describes how people may get stuck in one of the first four stages and life can be pretty painful until they move onto the fifth stage. The important thing to remember is that grief is a healing process that allows our minds to deal with the immense shock of losing somebody we love, and it is a process that helps us to accept what has happened.

The five stages of grief:

Denial and isolation
At first parents may deny in their minds that their baby is gone and convince themselves this is a nightmare they will wake up from. They may also retreat from society and isolate themselves and their grief from anyone else.

Anger
This usually manifests itself as anger at the hospital, or at the GP who didn't pick up on a problem, or at yourself for not doing something correctly. It is natural to want to blame somebody at this stage even if you know deep down that the hospital etc did all they could to save your baby. You may feel angry when you look at other parents with their children and wonder why it had to happen to you?

Bargaining
This is the stage where a grieving mother may make bargins with God. For example, if I go to church everyday will you give my baby back? Or, you may will God to take you instead and bring your baby back.

Depression
You may start to feel irritable, listless and unable to sleep and you might not care about anything (your family friends, other children, your appearance) but your baby.
At this stage, talking to a grief councillor or finding a group of parents in the same situation as you can really help as you realise you are not alone, and that other parents are going though this horrific experience too. It can also be encouraging to meet parents who have experienced a loss and who may have moved on to have another baby.

Acceptance
This is the last stage in the grieving process can take different times for each person to reach. Usually by this stage the sadness and feelings of depression are not so strong as you accept that you have lost a baby and may feel ready to move on. You will still feel that emptiness and longing for your baby but it will be much easier to cope with life and deal with your emotions.

When parents lose a baby it is important for them to work their way, at their pace through these stages of grief. If they are rushed or made to feel bad that they are grieving, the process of reaching some kind of acceptance will be more painful. Many parents want to talk about their child, where as everyone around them tries to avoid mentioning what happened in case the parents get upset. Most parents love it when they are told a funny anecdote about their child that they did not know and though it can be upseeting, it is actually a good idea to talk about that child and what joy they brought to your life.

The effect on your relationship
Sometimes, if the relationship with your partner wasn't strong to begin with, the loss of a baby can be the catalyst for a break up, however, most parents report that losing a baby actually brought them closer together as a couple. After all, you shared the joy of discovering you were pregnant and together you will remember the joy your baby brought to your life. Grief can make you become isolated from each other as you deal with losing a baby in your own way, but your partner needs support as much as you do. Even though you may be falling apart yourself, make sure you help to prop up your partner, especially if he is viewed as 'the strong one'. Underneath he may need to have a good cry too.

Telling your children about the loss of a baby
Telling your children that you have lost your baby can be as traumatic in itself, but it is probably best to tell your children the truth rather than keeping it from them. No matter how young and whether they understand about death or not, they can still pick up on your emotions and know something is wrong. Try to answer your children's questions as they come, so tell them that they won't see your baby anymore but that he will never be forgotten. You don't have to go into too much detail, so keep your explanations short and sweet, so perhaps tell them that the baby has gone to heaven and he is looking after all of us from there. It might help to explain that the baby is being looked after by Nanny in heaven, as children often get confused about who will look after the baby now. There are lots of books available that help to make the process easier for your child (and you) and explain about grief and loss in terms your child will understand.

Planning for another child
You may think it is insensitive to think about having another baby, but a new baby will never 'replace' the baby you have lost. Discovering you are pregnant again is bound to be emotive as you celebrate the new baby but are probably still grieving for the baby you lost. If it helps, have some quiet time everyday where you think of the baby you lost. Some parents decide to wait till they have got over the loss of their baby until trying for another, and some parents want to have another baby straight away. There is no right or wrong way and it will be different for each couple. Some parents will find it impossible to move on until they are pregnant with another baby.

For more help on planning for another baby see pregnancy after miscarriage.

It can be very helpful to talk to other people who have gone through a similar experience. Here are some organisations that can help give you support after the loss of a baby and also put you in touch with other parents who have had similar experiences.

Ectopic pregnancy trust
01895 238 025
www.ectopic.org

Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths (FSID)
Helpline: 0870 787 0554
www.sids.org.uk/fsid

The Miscarriage Association
01924 200799
www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk

Stillbirth and Neonatal death (SANDS)
0207 436 5881
www.uk-sands.org

The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.