Developing confidence
We’d all like our children to start out in the world as confident little people who know that the world’s their oyster. However, the truth is that confidence and self-esteem often take many years to achieve, and are often gained only after a lot of trying and failing and doubting ourselves. So how can we try and set our children on the right path? Here are some hints at helping to encouaging your child's confidence:
- Show him that you hold him in high esteem. After all, you’re the person whose opinion matters the most to him so if you think he’s great, then the rest of the world is sure to follow. The opposite is certainly true – if he is constantly criticised at home, then his self-esteem will be rock-bottom. If you don’t have a high opinion of him, who else is going to? The trick here is to find a balance - being overly critical can backfire as much as over-praising (so beware if you are telling your child they are amazing or 'beautiful', too much as this can make them have an inflated ego! Obviously telling your child you love them is a great way to reassure them and make them feel secure and confident, but also let him know how much fun he is to be with by telling him you can't wait to go to the park with him after work for instance, and that you've been looking forward to seeing him all day!
- Lack of confidence is underpinned by a fear of failure, so make it clear to your child that you believe in him. Highlight past achievements and do your best to set him up for success at his next task – make it manageable and achievable. Set your expectations high, but within reason. If your expectations are low, his self-esteem will suffer –“if that’s all they think I can do, then they must be right.” If your expectations are too high, then you’re setting him up for failure. See our features on games to play with your baby and Toddlers and play for ideas on play and how you can encourage your child's confidence through play.
- Don’t heap praise on insignificant achievements, or praise something that isn’t really worthy of praise – he will soon start to see this false praise as patronising, and he won’t rate your opinion very highly. Praise should be reserved for instances where it is really merited, as this is where it will be most appreciated.
- When he doesn’t succeed, give him credit for trying and offer constructive criticism, but keep it simple and then move on to something else and don’t dwell on his failure.
- Try and get a balance between his valuing the opinions of others but not being too influenced by them. You won’t do him any favours in later life by constantly telling him that he is the best, and to disregard anyone who says otherwise. Explain that of course he wants his teachers/friends/sister to think highly of him, but that respect and praise has to be earned. You can explain that he can do this by sharing, not telling lies and playing nicely with other children.
- Let him see that’s it’s OK to fail at things, and don’t cover up mistakes that you make – share them with him, and he’ll see that even grown-ups can’t expect to get everything right. Just by saying 'Uh-oh, Mummy scribbled outside the line, i'll try to be neater next time', will make him realise that it is OK to make mistakes and that even adults make mistakes sometimes!
- Encourage your child to try new things on a daily basis. This may mean
food he hasn't tasted before, climbing on something new in the park, or playing a
new game at nursery. This will also help to develop his confidence as he feels able, with your reasurrance to tackle new challanges.
- Using books to develop confidence can be helpful, especially if your child has a certain
fear - fear of the dark, fear of dogs or even fear of the
new baby arriving! There are plenty of
books writtten on all these subjects which can reassure your child and help to dispel their fears and restore confidence.
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Talk to your child constantly about how he feels. Ask him how his day was, whether he enjoyed the park for instance or what he did at nursery. Ask him what parts he liked most about the day and which he didn't. This will encourage your child to express his feelings and lets him know it's OK to tell you if there is something bothering him.
- If your child is old enough you could try using a simple technique such a worry box. Here your child can post his worries into the box and you can respond to them - they might range from worries about his friends or the rabbit at nursery school, but can sometimes reveal deeper issues, like his fear at
being away from you for example. Obviously this method works best if your child can write and may not be suitable for a young child, unless they are willing to express their feelings to you.
- Sit down with your child and ask him to tell you all the things that are special about you (mummy or daddy) - he might say he likes your hair, or that you make him nice food for instance. Then run through the things which make him special to you - that you love it when he mixes words up, or when he sings his nursery rhymes for example. This will further develop the confidence he feels about himself.
- Listen to your child. Even if he is
babbling or knows only a
few words you should try to listen to and respond to what he is saying. To know that you are worth listening too, is a confidence builder whatever age you are!
- Encouraging your child to put on his own clothes, shoes and to do-up buttons in a great confidence booster, but beware when he
gets frustrated and be ready to help him out if he needs it.
- Do things like eat as a family and have family days out, or even have eggy bread together in bed on a sunday morning! This will help your child to feel part of the family and to fit in, but also provide him with happy memories as he grows.
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Last Modified: 18/06/2007