Developing confidence
We’d
all like our children to start out in the world as confident little people who
know that the world is their oyster.
However, the truth is that confidence and
self-esteem often take many years to build, and are often gained only after a
lot of trying and failing and doubting ourselves. So how can we try and set our
children on the right path? Here are some hints at helping to boosting your
child's confidence…
Show him you hold him in high esteem
After
all, you’re the person whose opinion matters the most to him so if you think
he’s great, the rest of the world is sure to follow. If he’s constantly
criticized at home, then his self-esteem will be rock-bottom. If you don’t have
a high opinion of him, who else will? Obviously telling your child you love him
is a great way to reassure him and help him feel secure and confident, but also
let him know how much fun he is to be with by telling him you can't wait to go
to the park with him after work for instance, and that you've been looking
forward to seeing him all day!
Tell him you believe in him
Lack
of confidence is underpinned by a fear of failure, so make it clear to your
child that you believe in him. Highlight past achievements and do your best to
set him up for success at his next task – make it manageable and achievable.
Set your expectations high, but within reason. If your expectations are low,
his self-esteem will suffer: ‘if that’s all they think I can do, then they must
be right’. If your expectations are too high, then you’re setting him up for
failure. See our features on games to play with your baby and toddlers and play for ideas on play and how you
can encourage your child's confidence through play.
Don’t overdo the praise
Don’t
heap praise on insignificant achievements, or praise something that isn’t
really worthy of praise – he’ll soon start to see this false praise as
patronizing, and he won’t rate your opinion very highly. Praise should be
reserved for instances where it is really merited, as this is where it will be
most appreciated.
Avoid focusing on failure
Let
him see that’s it’s OK to fail at things by sharing your failures with him so
he can understand that even grown-ups don’t to get everything right. Just
saying, “Uh-oh, mommy scribbled outside the line – I'll try to be neater next
time,” will help him realize that it’s OK to make mistakes. When your child
doesn’t succeed, give him credit for trying and offer constructive criticism,
but keep it simple and then move on to something else – don’t dwell on his
failure.
Show him respect is earned
Try
and get a balance between his valuing the opinions of others but not being too influenced by
them. Explain that of course he wants his teachers/friends/sister to think
highly of him, but that respect and praise has to be earned. You can explain
that he can do this by sharing, not telling lies and playing nicely with other children.
Encourage him to try new things
This
may mean eating food he hasn't tasted before, climbing on something new in
the park, or playing a new game at daycare or preschool. This
will also help to develop his confidence as he feels able, with your
reassurancem to tackle new challenges.
Use bibliotherapy
Using
books to develop confidence can be helpful, especially if your child has a
certain fear – of the dark, of dogs or even of the new baby arriving! There are plenty of books on these kinds of subjects that can
reassure your child and help to dispel his fears and restore confidence.
Ask him how he feels
Talk to your child constantly about how he feels. Ask him how
his day was, whether he enjoyed the park or what he did at daycare or
preschool. Ask him what parts he liked most about the day and which he didn't.
This will encourage your child to express his feelings and lets him know it's
OK to tell you if there is something bothering him. If your child is old enough
you could try using a simple technique, such a worry box – he can post his
worries into the box and you can respond to them. They might range from worries
about his friends or the rabbit at preschool, but can sometimes reveal deeper
issues, such as his fear at being away from you for example. Obviously this
method works best if your child can write and may not be suitable for a young
child, unless they are willing to express their feelings to you.
Pinpoint his assets
Sit
down with your child and ask him to tell you all the things that are special
about you – he might say he likes your hair, or that you make him nice food,
for instance! Then run through the things that make him special to you – that
you love it when he mixes words up, or when he sings his nursery rhymes, for
example. This will further develop the confidence he feels about himself.
Listen to your child
Even
if he is babbling or knows only a few words you should try to listen to and
respond to what he’s saying. To know that you’re worth listening to is a
confidence builder whatever age you are!
Encourage a can-do attitude
Encouraging
your child to put on his own clothes and shoes and to do up his buttons is a
great confidence booster, but be aware of when he gets frustrated and be ready to help him out if
he needs it.
Do things together
Eat
as a family and have family days out, or even have breakfast in bread together
at the weekends! This will help your child to feel part of the family and to
fit in, but also provide him with happy memories as he grows.
The information in this feature is intended for
educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the
health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a
doctor or other healthcare professional.
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Last Modified: 18/06/2007