Imaginary friends

Many toddlers go through a phase of having an imaginary friend. It might be a human or an animal, and they may just be occasional visitors or full-time residents in your home.

They can fulfill many roles – playmate, co-conspirator, confidant, or even scapegoat. It's completely normal for your child to have an imaginary friend, so don't worry that there is anything wrong with their behavior. There even research that suggests having an imaginary friend could be beneficial for children.

Listening to your child talking with her imaginary friend can give you some insight into her feelings – for example, if you hear your child comforting her friend after someone has been mean to her, your child may simply be projecting her own experience and offering the solace she needs herself. Similarly, a child who has an imaginary friend, or friends, who they are often bossing around may be indulging in a little power play when in reality they feel that they are always the one being told what to do!

The important thing is your approach to this friend – don’t accuse your child of lying or making things up when she talks about her friend. If she blames the friend for some misdeed, make it clear that you aren’t buying into the fantasy but don’t feel tempted to criticize or ridicule her. It’s true that for some children – particularly only children or those with no siblings close in age – an imaginary friend can be a sign of loneliness, so you may want to think about arranging some playdates for your child and giving her more of a chance to socialize with other children. However it’s more often simply a symptom of a fertile imagination and creative flair.

How an imaginary friend can help your child?

Imaginary friends can help your child in a number of different ways that you may not have expected…

- They can provide companionship, especially if you have an only child. - They allow your child to safely test out emotions such as anger, resentment or any fears she has, including acting out certain situations that have happened with her actual friends.

- They allow children to have a private life that mommy and daddy aren’t part of.

- They can help your child to get on with others and practice social skills.

- They can allow children to play creative games and use their imagination.

When is an imaginary friend a problem?

Having an imaginary friend is completely normal, but sometimes children will use their friend to get out of doing something they don't want to do – tidying their bedroom for example, or going to bed on time! They can sometimes blame the friend for something naughty they themselves have done.

If this is happening more and more, or if you notice your child is preferring to spend time with the imaginary friend rather than her real friends, it might be time to take some steps to encourage your child to play with her actual friends again. Don’t encourage the fantasy – for example by pretending to see the friend too – but try instead to channel your child’s imagination in other ways; for example, by helping her to make up stories or through creative play. Letting her experience many different activities – playing, painting, drawing, play dates – will show her that the real world is more exciting than the make-believe one she has created. Most children grow out of having an imaginary friend by the time they reach school age and real friends and issues take center stage.

The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.

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Last Modified: 18/08/2008

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