Separation Anxiety
Separation anxiety is a stage
your baby goes through where she becomes agitated and upset unless she’s with
you.
It’s a normal part of development but it can be very frustrating,
especially if your baby has always been perfectly happy to be handed over to
grandma or her caregiver but suddenly starts screaming whenever they approach.
Separation anxiety starts to
develop from around six months on, for a number of reasons. Firstly, your baby
starts to understand object permanence. Up to now, if something – for example
you – disappeared from her view, she thought it ceased to exist. But now she
begins to comprehend that you’re still there but that she just can’t see you.
So naturally she starts looking for you.
At the same time she’s also
beginning to grasp the fact that you and she are separate – and that this means
you can leave. Alongside these cognitive leaps, she develops the ability to
think representatively, which means that she is now able to picture you in her
head. Up to this point, out of sight was literally out of mind for your baby –
but now she can conjure up a mental image of you at the same time as becoming
aware you’re not there.
Added to the mix is the fact
that she has no concept of time: she doesn’t realize that when you pop to the
bathroom you’ll be back shortly – she thinks you’re gone for good. This is why
she clings to you or cries when you leave her.
Separation anxiety can happen
anytime from six months on but usually peaks at around 12 months. Sometimes
toddlers will experience a second phase at around 18 months, but separation
anxiety tends to subside at around 24 months.
How to cope with separation
anxiety:
Play peek-a-boo
Try to play as many games with
your baby (from about four months onwards) where you hide behind the door and
then peep at your baby, saying, “peek-a-boo”. You can also play ‘where’s mommy’
by hiding your face under a towel or ‘where’s baby’ by putting a muslin over
your baby’s head and asking your baby where she is. These games will encourage
your baby to understand concepts such as disappearing and coming back again
from an early age.
Dealing with goodbyes
As tempting as it is to creep
away when your baby is distracted, try not to sneak away if you are going out
and leaving your baby with a sitter or relative. Instead let her see you go and
play a waving goodbye game. Encourage the babysitter to bring your baby to the
window to wave you off. The only way your baby will understand that you do come
back is to watch you go. When you return, say to your child, “mommy came back –
I always come back”. If you’re dropping your child off at daycare make sure the
caregivers have activities ready that will distract her. It might help if her
main carer comes and meets you as you enter, carrying a fun activity that your
baby can do straightaway.
For toddlers
There are two types of
separation anxiety with older babies – firstly they can get upset when you
leave them, as they cant see you anymore; and secondly they can get upset when
you return because they’re remembering how upset they felt when you left! Try
to keep your goodbyes as brief as possible and stick to a quick hug and a kiss.
Remember to tell your child you will see her later.
Don’t forget that some
separation anxiety comes in the form of a phase where your child might prefer
one parent to the other, which can be very upsetting for the parent who’s out
of favor. The point to remember is that it is a phase and you won’t be
experiencing this when your child is older. Remember too that it’s actually a
positive milestone that confirms your child is developing a sense of self and
also a deeper emotional attachment to you.
Also see developing confidence and building social skills for more help dealing with a clingy child.
The information in this feature is intended for
educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the
health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a
doctor or other healthcare professional.
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Last Modified: 21/08/2007
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