Grief and mourning
Losing a baby is one of the most devastating human experiences, whether the loss it is at the very beginning of a pregnancy or after a baby is born.
It will take parents different lengths of time to come to terms with what has happened and the magnitude of what you are feeling will never fully be understood by anyone except those who have experienced something similar. There are lots of organisations that deal with grief and loss who can put you in touch with other parents who have been through the same. It can be really helpful to talk to other parents, perhaps who have gone on to have more children, to help you in your grieving process.
Feeling very intense emotions is completely normal. Most women say they felt a longing for the baby, as well as a sense of sadness and anger at what happened. You might feel that life is unbelievably unfair.
You will probably start to blame yourself at some point and this is a normal part of the grieving process. You might also feel anger towards your GP or the hospital staff because you feel they didn’t do enough to save your baby, even if they did everything they could.
You will probably feel drained and unsociable. Grieving takes a lot of energy but is an essential way of dealing with the pain of loss and eventually looking into the future and the possibility of having more children.
Here are a few suggestions to help you through this difficult time:
Talk about your experience and your baby
If you had a name in mind, name your baby and talk about him. If you never met him you can talk about all the times he kicked you at 3am! Sometimes keeping a diary of this time can help you to stay focused and will enable you to say what you really think and feel, without having to think about anyone else’s feelings but your own (for example, you can write ‘my mother-in-law’s well-meaning advice on how to cope is annoying me. I wish she’d leave me alone’) without having to actually say it.
Look after YOU
Don’t forget to look after yourself. Keep eating well so that you remain strong enough to deal with the grief. Don’t forget to keep an eye on your partner too. He may be being the 'strong' one but behind closed doors he might need a shoulder to cry on. The healthier you are, the stronger you will feel and the more able you will be to cope.
Find a good support network
This will probably be in the form of family and friends at first, who can rally round and look after any other children you have while you deal with your loss. You may also want to find a specialist association or support group where you can meet parents just like you who are going through a similar experience - see below for details of some associations.
Don’t let others pressure you to move on with your life too soon
Grieving takes a different amount of time for each person. Don’t rush the process and take time to talk about how you feel with those close to you. Don’t be pressured by others to move on too fast. It may take you longer to accept what has happened, but it is important to take things at your own pace and to do whatever makes you feel better in your own time.
Remember your baby
There are lots of ways you can remember your baby after you have had a memorial service or burial. Keeping their memory alive by talking about them lots can also help. Some parents like to set up charities for their babies, especially if it is to raise money for a disease or more research. Sometimes it feels good to do something active and positive for your baby such as running a marathon or doing a sponsored walk. Getting together with other parents who have suffered a loss can also give you tremendous strength at this time.
The stages of grief
It might help you to recognise how you are feeling by looking at the stages of grief and understanding the grieving process. You have to grieve for your body to deal with a profound loss, so if you see the stages as positive steps in the right direction it can be helpful.
Shock and Numbness
At first it will be very difficult for you to process the information of your loss. You will feel shocked and numb thinking about what happened and about your baby.
Yearning and Searching
In this next stage you may feel an intense yearning for your child, a denial at the fact that they are gone and an overwhelming desire to search for them. This usually leads to feelings of frustration and disappointment that you can’t see your child.
Disorganisation and Despair
This is where some parents report feeling depressed, anti-social and unable to go out and socialise with others. Staying at home and hiding away from the world can seem more appealing. You may also have difficulty concentrating on tasks and focusing on the future. If you have other children, this is the stage where you have to make a special effort to look after them, make sure that they understand what is happening and that they know you still love them very much.
Reorganisation
At some point you will start to feel able to organise your life again, get out and about and slowly accept what has happened. This final stage takes a different amount of time for each person. Some people can move on quickly and for others it can take a lot longer. Go at your own pace and do whatever feels best for you.
You are not alone
When things get tough and you feel utter despair at losing your child, there are people you can talk to who can help you to deal with your loss. These people are specially trained and it can be useful to talk to someone who isn’t a family member or friend.
Ask your GP to put you in touch with a councillor who specialises in grief. Here are some organisations that can help:
The Child Bereavement Trust
Tel: 01494 446 648
http://www.childbereavement.org.uk/
The Compassionate Friends
Tel: 0117 966 5202
www.tcf.org.uk
Cruse
(Bereavement counselling)
Tel: 0870 167 1677 (helpline)
www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk
FSID (The foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths)
Tel; 0870 787 0554 (helpline)
http://www.sids.org.uk/
The Miscarriage Association
Tel: 01924200799 (helpline)
www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk
The Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic
Tel: 0207 258 0285
http://www.imperial.nhs.uk/index.htm
Tommy’s (The Baby Charity)
Tel: information line: 0870 777 3060
http://www.tommys.org/
(Charity funding research into premature birth, miscarriage and stillbirth
Stillbirth and Neonatal death (SANDS)
Tel: 0207 436 5881
www.uk-sands.org
For more help with this subject see our features on Losing a baby and Stillbirth. If you want to chat to other people who might have experienced the same thing, visit our answers page and chat forum.
The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about yuor health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.