Losing a baby
It’s very rare that babies die, but occasionally it does happen. Losing a baby at any stage in pregnancy or afterwards is devastating, and will be an immense shock to you and your partner.
There is always lots of support from those around you, including the staff at the hospital, who are specially trained to help you with your loss. And as well as your family, friends and relatives, there are many support groups for parents and siblings who’ve been affected by the death of a baby. It can be helpful to meet other parents who have been through what you have, and who understand the emotion you are feeling at this time. A grief counselor can also help you to come to terms what has happened.
How you will be feeling
The first feeling for many parents who have lost a child is to wonder if it was their fault. Moms may agonize about whether they ate the right foods in pregnancy or whether they could have changed anything that happened. You’ll probably play the cirumstances over and over in your mind – for example, you may think, “I put him to bed that night, I should have known something was wrong.” It's perfectly natural to blame yourself – all parents do if something goes wrong. But the fact is, you never set out to intentionally harm your child so you have nothing to feel guilty about. Sometimes events happen which are out of our control and there is nothing we could have done to stop them.
Dealing with grief
A doctor called Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross described five stages of grief that people may experience when suffering from a loss. She describes how people may get stuck in one of the first four stages and life can be painful until they move onto the fifth stage. The important thing to remember is that grief is a healing process that allows our minds to deal with the immense shock of losing somebody we love, and finally accept that it has happened.
The five stages of grief are:
Denial and isolation
At first parents may deny in their minds that their baby is gone and convince themselves this is a nightmare they will wake up from. They may also retreat from society and isolate themselves and their grief from anyone else.
Anger
This usually manifests itself as anger at the hospital, or at the doctor who didn't pick up on a problem, or at yourself for not doing something correctly. It’s natural to want to blame somebody at this stage even if you know deep down that your caregivers did all they could to save your baby. You may feel angry when you look at other parents with their children and wonder why it had to happen to you.
Bargaining
This is the stage where grieving parents may make bargains with God” “if I go to church everyday will you give my baby back?” Or you may will God to take you instead and bring your baby back.
Depression
You may start to feel irritable and listless, and be unable to sleep. You might not care about anything (family, friends, other children, your appearance) but your baby. At this stage, talking to a grief counselor or joining a support group of parents in the same situation as you can really help as you realize you’re not alone, and that other parents are going though this horrific experience too. It can also be encouraging to meet parents who have experienced a loss and who may have moved on to have another baby.
Acceptance
Usually by this final stage the sadness and feelings of depression aren’t so strong as you accept that you’ve lost your baby and may start to feel ready to move on. You will still feel that emptiness and longing for your baby but it will much easier to cope with life and deal with your emotions.
When parents lose a baby it is important for them to work their way, at their pace, through these stages of grief. If they’re rushed or made to feel bad about grieving, the process of reaching some kind of acceptance will be longer and more painful. Many parents want to talk about their child, where as everyone around them tries to avoid mentioning what happened in case the parents get upset. Try to talk about your baby as much as you want and with other people to help you focus on the positive memories you have of your child.
The effect on your relationship
Sometimes, if the relationship with your partner wasn't strong to begin with, the loss of a baby can be the catalyst for a break up. However, most parents report that losing a baby actually brought them closer together as a couple. After all, you shared the joy of discovering you were pregnant and together you will remember the joy your baby brought to your life. Grief can isolate you from each other as you deal with losing a baby in your own way, but your partner needs support as much as you do. Even though you may be falling apart yourself, make sure you help to prop up your partner, especially if he is viewed as 'the strong one'. Underneath he may need to have a good cry too.
Telling your children about the loss of a baby
Telling your children that you’ve lost your baby can be as traumatic in itself, but it’s best to be truthful rather than keeping it from them. Even if they’re too young to understand the concept of death they can still pick up on your emotions and know something is wrong. Try to answer your children's questions as best you can but keep your explanations short and sweet: “the baby has gone to heaven and he’s looking after all of us from there.” If you’ve lost other family members, such as your parents, it may help to reassure your older children that “grandma is looking after the baby in heaven.”
There are books available that help to make the process easier for your child (and you) and explain about grief and loss in terms your child will understand.
Planning for another child
You may think it’s insensitive to think about having another baby, but a new baby will never 'replace' the baby you have lost. Discovering you’re pregnant again is bound to be emotional, as you celebrate the new baby while still grieving for the baby you lost. If it helps, have some quiet time every day where you think of the baby you lost.
Some couples decide to wait till they’ve gotten over the loss of their baby before trying for another, and some want to try straightaway. There’s no right or wrong decision – it’s different for each couple. Some parents will find it impossible to move on until they are pregnant with another baby.
For more help on planning for another baby see pregnancy after a miscarriage or visit our Another Baby area.
It can be very helpful to talk to other people who’ve gone through this, so if you feel that you need to talk to someone about your loss but don't know who, why not visit the chat section of the gurgle site in order to find support from women who’ve had similar experiences. In addition, The March of Dimes can offer information on pregnancy and newborn loss (www.marchofdimes.com).
The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.
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Last Modified: 06/06/2008