Splitting with your partner while pregnant: how to cope

It’s surprisingly common for couples to separate when a baby is on the way. It may be that your partner didn’t feel ready to start a family or that they can’t cope with the emotional roller coaster of pregnancy, particularly if you hadn’t been together for very long before you became pregnant.

Splitting up while pregnant leaves you facing the reality of coping with pregnancy symptoms such as morning sickness alone, and also with the prospect of being a single parent once your baby is born. One thing that is vital is for you to work through any emotions you may feel about your relationship breaking up before your baby is born if at all possible. Otherwise it might mean that you develop negative feelings towards your baby, who will, after all, be the living embodiment of that relationship. Even though she is too tiny to understand your emotions she can still be affected by any tension and anxiety you may feel about your break up and about being alone with a baby to care for.

It’s essential that you find other sources of support if you don’t have a partner to share the ups and downs of pregnancy with. Ending a relationship during pregnancy makes a potentially difficult experience even more difficult and it can be very disheartening if you have no one to share your feelings with and no one to offer support on the days when you feel ill, or low – or on wonderful milestone days such as your first ultrasound scan, feeling your baby move for the first time and, of course welcoming her into the world.

Reach out for that help and support – lean on your family, friends and work colleagues wherever you can. Attend childbirth education and Lamaze classes so that you will make other pregnant friends you can share your experiences with, and try to enlist a birth partner from among your family or friends. If this isn’t possible, consider hiring a doula to help support you in late pregnancy and through your labor and the immediate aftermath. The internet also can be a great source of support – you can share your feelings of sadness and joy with a lovely and supportive community of moms-to-be and moms here on gurgle.

Before your baby is born, read and learn as much as you can about babycare and child development since you will have even less time after your baby is born than a new mom who has a partner’s support. It’ll help you put a game plan into operation as soon as your baby is born so that you can cope with 24-7 babycare while taking care of your own wellbeing and getting as much rest as you can.

Think too about how much you might want your baby’s father to be involved in her life after she’s born. Even if he professes not to be uninterested, he might come around as your pregnancy progresses and your baby becomes a reality. Even if reuniting with him is unlikely, it might be worth seeing if he wants to attend childbirth classes with you, or be with you at the birth.

If he does stay involved in your pregnancy you will need to find out what his intentions are and define his role and involvement in your baby’s upbringing for after your baby is born. Get a legal agreement in writing, detailing his financial responsibilities and any custody or visitation rights, so that you have some legal recourse later on.

If he remains uninterested try not to let this affect your mood if at all possible, and don’t see it as a rejection of you and your baby if he just isn’t ready. If you can, try to focus on the possible advantages of parenting alone. You can make your own rules and follow your own routine and schedule. You will get to make all the important decisions yourself and won’t have to negotiate with anyone.

And as your baby grows, her lifestyle, as the child of a single parent, will be normal for her and she won’t have to go through the trauma of living in a family where her parents don’t get along, or going through a separation many years down the line when she is equally attached to both parents.

If your partner opts out it still is vital to seek legal advice to ensure he meets his financial responsibilities and that you have a clear agreement in regard to custody.

The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.