Dealing with tantrums
There is no one-size-fits-all
way of dealing with tantrums – recognizing the tantrum trigger is the key to
coping with it.
A toddler who becomes frustrated with his inability to complete
a puzzle and kicks the pieces across the room, screaming, will be better calmed
by you patiently helping him to do what he’s attempting than by taking the
puzzle away and giving him a time-out.
However, a child who
deliberately seeks to disobey sensible rules set by his parents and throws a
tantrum when caught in the act needs to be dealt with firmly and made to
understand the potential consequences of his actions. For young children, this
can be hard to do (for example, teaching your child the dangers of walking into
the road without looking), and the only sensible course of action may well be a
strict time-out. A child who feels they are being ignored may throw a tantrum
simply to gain some attention, and the clear solution to this kind of tantrum
is to give them as little attention as possible, ignoring their behavior and
even leaving the child on their own, where practicable.
Methods of dealing with tantrums
Supporting
If the tantrum is the result of
your child’s frustration with his inability to master something or communicate
his wishes, be firm when explaining that his behavior isn’t acceptable, but try
to find a way of supporting and encouraging him as well. Show him that with a
little patience and perseverance, he can succeed.
Ignoring
If your child is throwing a
tantrum in order to gain attention, then the most surefire way to thwart them
is to pay them no attention whatsoever. Leaving the room will leave him with no
audience. In the short term, he may up the stakes in order to try to get you
back, but after a few such experiences, he’s likely to realize he’s not
achieving his aim, and try other (hopefully more pleasant!) tactics instead.
One thing that can be hard for
parents to grasp is that for many children, negative attention is just as
desirable as positive attention. Pointing out that “everyone is staring at
you!” may simply highlight a new benefit to public tantrum-throwing!
Time-out
If a child is being
deliberately destructive or has lost control to such a degree that he may hurt
himself or those around him, you may face no option but a time-out in his room
or a neutral space where he can let off steam safely and hopefully calm down.
Bear in mind however that some children find it difficult to calm down by
themselves, and may need to be calmed down by an activity, such as reading a
story or singing a song with actions.
Getting angry
You don’t have to be a child
psychologist to see that shouting at a tantrum-throwing toddler is reinforcing
the very kind of behavior you are trying to stop. You are also likely to simply
wind up your child even more, and in the older toddler, getting you to lose
your cool has probably been their main aim all along. Keeping calm in the face
of provocation like this will be one of the hardest tests you have to face with
your child, but if you can manage it, it will pay dividends.
See our article on averting tantrums for help with your toddler. Why not chat to
other moms about their methods of dealing with toddler tantrums.
The information in this feature is intended for
educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the
health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a
doctor or other healthcare professional.