My child hates nursery
Every parent needs a box of tissues at the ready the first day their child goes off to nursery. In fact, it's usually much harder for the parents than it is for the child! Of course, it will probably take a little time for them to make the transition, but after a few days – more likely than not – your child will bounce off into nursery without so much as a backward glance.
What if your fears aren’t unfounded, though, and your child genuinely is unhappy at nursery? Here’s gurgle’s advice on how to cope with this tricky situation:
Firstly, it's important that you help to prepare your toddler for nursery. There are several ways in which you can do this:
*The first day your child starts at nursery shouldn’t be his first experience of the place, as it will seem unfamiliar to him. Visit the nursery with him at least once before; this way when he starts he will recognise some familiar faces. When you look round the nursery, point out all the positive aspects in a cheerful, upbeat tone – ‘Look at that wonderful sandpit!’ or ‘That must be where you’ll build lego.’
*If you went to nursery – or perhaps your partner did – talk about how much you loved it and what fun it was, maybe recalling a few special memories.
*If your child has a favourite activity – such as painting or drawing – you could talk about how he will be able to do this at nursery, just like he does at home.
*You could also read books about nursery with your child, so that he views it in a positive light - children have a fear of the unknown (as do many adults!), so the more he learns about nursery the more familiar it will seem, thus making it a less scary prospect.
How to help your child to settle at nursery:
*If your child seems unhappy at nursery, it’s worth taking into consideration whether this could be due to any upheavals at home. Starting nursery is quite a big deal for your child, so it’s important that the other things in his life remain constant. Keep everything else in your child’s life the same – if possible – so don’t attempt to move house or change his bedtime routine, for example, at the same time as your child starts nursery.
*It’s never good to bottle up, so make sure your child feels he can talk to you about his day – both the good bits and the bad. Listen sympathetically and try to put a positive spin on any of the negative aspects he brings up. If another child woudn’t share a toy with him, you could say ‘Well, maybe you can set a good example by sharing one of your toys with him tomorrow and you can both play with that.’
*Ask the nursery what their policy is on whether you can stay with your child when you drop him off and if so, for how long. Some parents choose to stay for a bit, while others think it’s better to leave after having a hug and saying bye, as they believe that the longer they stay the more difficult their child will find it when they leave. It’s really a personal decision and is just about what works best for you and your child.
According to childcare and gurgle expert Thirza Ashelford, this can be linked to separation anxiety and it might help if you stay with your child for a bit and perhaps even go through the settling in process again. She suggests that ‘you take your child for about 15-20 minutes before taking her home again. Repeat this for as long as it takes for her to move away from you of her own accord. When she is happy to do this tell her you are just popping out to hang her coat/talk to someone, then leave the room even if she seems upset and come straight back in again. Gradually build up this time out until you can leave her for a full session. Whatever you do, don’t do the “she’s playing quietly – I’ll just sneak away” routine. Always tell her you are going and that you will be back. How long this takes depends on each individual child and there may still be days where she cries out but she will know you’re coming back.’
*Talk to the nursery staff about any concerns you may have regarding your child's happiness, so that you can try to resolve these issues. If your child comes home in tears, ask the nursery staff why they think this might be. If it’s because your child isn’t making friends, you could work on his social skills together at home, talking to him about the importance of sharing or taking turns. Hopefully this will in turn build up his confidence and help him to interact with his peers at nursery.
As Thirza says, ‘Rest assured that staff in nursery will know how to comfort your child because they will work in partnership with you and will listen to your advice about the best way to care for her. No-one will ever know your child better than you and your husband do, and well trained, highly professional staff in good day nurseries will know and respect that too. Ask the staff how they communicate with parents: they should provide you with regular updates on your child’s development and the activities she has done while away from you. They should also tell you how long she has slept, what she has had to eat and drink and even how many wet and dirty nappies she has produced! They will do their very best to make sure that you know as much as possible about her day, even though you can’t be there to share it with her. '
*You could suggest to the nursery staff that another child can perhaps look out for your little one, helping to include him in group activities and sitting next to him at lunch, for example.
*The better your child gets to know the other children, the more relaxed he will feel about going to nursery, as he will look forward to seeing his friends. Playdates are a great way to help your child get to know his classmates; why not start by inviting one of his classmates over to your house, so that your child is in relaxed, familiar surroundings?
If none of the above tips work, it might be worth considering whether or not your child is really ready for nursery - or perhaps if this is indeed the right nursery for him. You could observe your child for a few minutes outside the door of the nursery to check whether the staff are making an effort to involve him and cheer him up. You could also talk to the other parents to find out whether their children are happy at the nursery. Remember that you should never feel obliged or pressured to keep your toddler in the nursery if it goes against your better judgement. Talk to the staff to see if there is anything that can be done to help your child to enjoy nursery, but stand your ground if you really feel that it is not the right place for him.
Your toddler's happiness comes above all else and if he really does seem miserable you may decide that the best thing is to take him out of nursery and try again at a later date. Or you could perhaps look into the other nurseries in your area to see if you can find one that is better suited to your child and his needs; read our features on Finding a good nursery and Nurseries: what to expect for more information. You can also chat to other gurgle members about how their children are getting on at nursery in the lifestyle area of our chat forum.
The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.
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Last Modified: 21/05/2009