I want to try for a baby, but my partner isn't ready
If your biological clock is ticking louder than your partner’s how can you convince him you’re ready for a baby? You may have settled down with your partner with one distant goal in mind: having a family together. But what happens if you feel the time is right but he or she doesn’t? It’s a common issue, with women typically being keen to start a family and men less so.
It’s partly connected to our biological clocks. In women, fertility starts to decline in the thirties, but this isn’t the case for men. If you’re in your thirties and well aware that your chance of conceiving without any problems is slowly slipping away, your desire to have a baby may well stem from this. However, for men, fertility doesn’t decline as rapidly, so your partner’s biological clock just may not be ticking as loudly and urgently as yours. Trouble is, the decision to have a baby really needs to be a joint one – so how can you work through your partner’s reluctance without forcing him into becoming a dad before he feels ready?
Setting a deadline
Ideally, you should discuss whether or not you both want children and a ballpark time for when you intend trying for a baby before you commit to a long-term relationship. Setting a deadline – it could be several months or a year or more – for when you’ll start trying is important. That said, even the best laid plans can stall when it comes to the crunch and when the agreed time comes, one of you still might feel that the timing isn’t right.
It’s very important that you don’t plough ahead and become pregnant if your partner has reservations. This is one of – if not the – most important life decisions you will ever make and not allowing your partner to have a say will impact hugely on your relationship and your future together. Your relationship will already likely be under some stress by the fact you are in disagreement over the issue and a baby will only add to that stress. At the end of the day, any child you have together deserves to grow up in a loving and harmonious family atmosphere and if your partner believes that he never got a say in the matter, then any bitterness he feels could persist years after your baby is born.
What might be putting him off?
Your partner may feel reluctant for a number of reasons but it likely isn’t an outright rejection of your desire for a baby. It could be that he is worried about the prospect of losing his freedom to do what he wants when he wants to. And if he had a difficult childhood and comes from a broken home, parenthood may have negative connotations for him.
Babies are an expensive commodity, and if your partner fears his job (or yours) isn’t secure, then the
financial implications of having a child may be giving him second thoughts. It also could be that you’ve both reached a crucial time in your careers and he feels that a having a baby could impede either of you in reaching your career goals.
Reaching a compromise
It’s worth thinking about why exactly you might have such a powerful desire for a baby, besides your biological clock ticking. What about your relationship? If it’s on rocky ground, could your desire for a baby partly come from the belief that having one might bring you closer together?
Or is it the fact that family and friends are all having babies? It’s all too easy to develop a rose-tinted view of parenthood simply from cuddling a sweetly-scented newborn. But babies aren’t dolls and the fact you hand your sister or friend’s baby back to her after that cuddle shields you from the reality of 24-7 baby care and the exhaustion that accompanies new parenthood.
It can be useful to explore exactly what it means to have children and what kind of
responsibilities are involved. Spend time with family or friends who have children and encourage your partner to talk to them honestly about his concerns. Babysit for family or friends – you’ll learn a lot about the practicalities of parenthood and how you’re likely to deal with the issues that arise.
Getting help
If you don't feel you're making progress on your own, it's worth considering professional help from a therapist or counsellor. Discussing your issues with a neutral party may help you to reach an agreement over time – as well as help you come to an informed decision over whether your desire to have a baby trumps your relationship and that it might be time to cut your ties to give you the best possible chance of realising your dream of parenthood.
The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.
Related Articles
Last Modified: 25/03/2009
Related Chat
You'll need to be logged in to post new Comments and Answers or to Chat.
Login or
Register