Dads-to-be and new fathers
Firstly, congratulations on your impending fatherhood. As a soon-to-be-dad, you’re bound to be encountering a whole riot of conflicting emotions that include pride, excitement and anxiety.
Even if you’ve discussed and hoped for this pregnancy, you may be experiencing feelings that seem inappropriate. However, it’s perfectly normal to feel slightly ambivalent about becoming a dad at first. The knowledge that your life is going to change irrevocably, in less than nine months, is scary stuff. It’s important to talk to your partner (and sympathetic friends) in order to air and explore your feelings. You’ll probably be over the moon about being a dad but that doesn’t mean you can’t have other feelings about how life will change and how it is already changing. So, what should you know about pregnancy and beyond?
Your sex life
There’s no getting around the simple fact that expecting a baby will affect your sex life. During the first trimester (weeks 0-12), your partner will be feeling tired and may suffer from nausea as she adjusts to the new hormones in her system; in the final trimester (weeks 29-40) she may be feeling exhausted and unattractive due to her size. It’s common for pregnant women to go off sex for these reasons but the good news is that many women experience a higher sex drive during the middle trimester (weeks 13-28) thanks to increased blood flow to the pelvic area. Your partner may even find it far easier than normal to reach orgasm at this time.
There are also emotional factors that are bound to impact upon your partner and your own sex drive. A common worry is that you will in some way harm the baby if you make love during this time. However, unless there’s a threat of miscarriage or your OB-GYN or nurse-midwife has otherwise instructed you both to avoid sex, it’s absolutely fine to carry on as normal. Some men find their pregnant partner physically very attractive, whereas others feel quite turned off by her changing shape. Whatever feelings you’re experiencing, feel assured that you are not alone with them.
After the birth, it’s absolutely normal that a woman won’t feel like having sex for a few months. If she needed stitches or had a cesarean she may not be physically up to it and in any case she might have to wait for the go-ahead from her OB-GYN or nurse-midwife before she can resume sex. If she’s breastfeeding, her body will produce hormones that can impact further on her sex drive. And don’t forget the impact of night feeds, especially if you’re unable to help because you need to get up early for work. It’s also common for women to experience ‘baby blues’ or postpartum depression, and this can also impact on your sex life.
Your job is to not take this personally and to be as supportive as possible. Keep the lines of communication open and don’t let a low sex drive place a strain on your relationship at this difficult time. Before you know it, things will be back to normal. See our feature on pregnancy sex: the good, the bad and the ugly for more help.
Labor
These days, it’s normal for men to be present during the birth of their babies. It is a wonderful experience and your presence is usually very helpful for your partner. It is important to prepare yourself for the event, in order that you can be of as much use as possible.
Labor is one of the most arduous physical experiences that a woman can experience, and your emotional support will be invaluable. If you understand what is happening, you can help her cope, both physically and emotionally. Read as much as you can find about the process of labor and be prepared for it to be a messy, noisy and bloody affair. Some men find the almost animalistic process frightening, as they see their partner transformed by her body’s reactions. For this reason, it is necessary to be informed about what is usually a natural and normal process. Talk to female friends who can help to prepare you for the reality (and the joy) of the occasion.
If you can, attend the prenatal appointments – this is where you’ll see your baby on ultrasound and hear it's heartbeat, which are both great bonding opportunities. Go to your partner’s childbirth education classes too – they’ll equip you with some practical strategies to help your laboring partner.
Supporting your partner after the birth
You should be prepared for a whole new range of experiences once you become a dad. For a start, you’ll never have experienced the protective feelings you’ll have for your baby! Life will never be the same again.
Even if you’re going to be the breadwinner while your partner stays at home with your baby, it’s completely unreasonable to expect that your partner will do all of the childcare. Caring for a new baby requires Olympian stamina and endurance and if you aren’t prepared to share in the grind, your relationship may soon show the strain.
In the very early days with a newborn baby, sleep becomes a rare and sought after commodity that seemingly eludes and resists you at every available opportunity. It will get better with every passing month, but often new parents help each other in shifts and it is worth considering how you both want to deal with this. If you’re working and your partner is breastfeeding during the night, perhaps you could give your partner some time off for a nap when you get home from work. Alternately, you could take over at weekends and feed your baby expressed breast milk from a bottle, so your partner can have at least one lie in.
One of the hardest things for men to adjust to is the bond between mom and baby. If you’re used to taking center stage in your partner’s eyes, you may feel the odd stab of jealousy that you seem to have been relegated to second place. Some women do get possessive about their role as mom, and may be unwilling to relinquish any control. This is perfectly common, but it is up to you to make it known before the birth that you want to be equally involved in the parenting. As a dad, this is your right. The key to this is communication and having confidence in your own abilities – there’s no secret female ingredient. Get hands-on with baby care: feed your baby, change diapers, bathe him
Part of becoming a father is accepting that your lifestyle will never be the same again. It is unrealistic to expect your life to remain the same and important that you accept and step into your new role. This might mean that you can't see your friends as often, or you sometimes have to go out without your partner, but soon things will start to return to some normality as you both begin to get used to your new roles.
Above all, it’s important not to forget to enjoy yourself. Nobody is disputing that having a child is hard work, but it is a truly wonderful, rewarding and incredible experience. Hearing your child say 'dada' for the first time is certainly worth a few sleepless nights!
See also dads and emotions, dads: bonding with your new baby, activities for dads and babies and activities for dads for loads more dad stuff.
The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional