Your best friend is pregnant

You‘ve probably shared drunken nights together, gossiped over love conquests and borrowed each other’s clothes. Perhaps your best friend was a bridesmaid at your wedding, or was with you when you met the man of your dreams. The problem is when she became pregnant you may have started to feel isolated from her as your lives spiralled in different directions.

“I was shocked when Ella told me she was pregnant,” says Mandy Lawton, 28, from Bath. “We’d done everything together since we started playgroup and suddenly she was having new experiences that didn’t include me. Antenatal checks aren’t really something you bring your friends to and were for her and her partner to share. Instead of our usual jog around the park, she went off to pregnancy yoga classes and made new ‘pregnancy’ friends. I felt really left out of her new world.”

Being left out
If, like Mandy, you start to feel isolated once your best friend discovers she is pregnant, it can cause a real wedge in your relationship.

The best thing you can do is to try to understand what she is going through. Pregnancies, especially a first baby, are all-consuming. When you're pregnant it’s impossible to go through the day without thinking about the little baby growing inside you at least 100 times! Newly pregnant women pore over pregnancy magazines and pregnancy websites to find out all the information they can. As a best friend, try to learn about your friend’s pregnancy as much as you can. Ask her how big the baby is and what is developing that particular week – believe me, she’ll know! Tell her you can’t wait to meet her baby and become ‘Aunty Mandy’. Ask her as many questions as you like, she’ll love that you are interested.

Feeling rough
Don’t forget that the first trimester is usually when pregnant women feel their worst. “My best friend Laura suddenly stopped wanting to go out; she was being sick all the time and she was pretty grumpy,” says Jo Hanly, 30, from Cheltenham.

“I found it really difficult that I’d lost my drinking partner and someone to gossip with practically overnight.”

If your friend is pregnant and feeling rough, it’s time for you to change your idea of what constitutes a good night out. Clubs and pubs will be off the agenda for a while - perhaps for her entire pregnancy - but keeping your friend company with a DVD and a bowl of nibbles can be on the agenda.

If she's really feeling out of sorts, offer to help out around the house/take the dog for a walk/do a bit of shopping for her. Bear in mind that this stage doesn’t last forever so she’ll probably return to her old self somewhere between 12 to 14 weeks of pregnancy.

Baby Bore
“My friend Kate became an incredible baby bore. All she wanted to do was talk about babies or pregnancy and if we talked about anything else she became really quiet,” says Emily Weir, 24, from Newcastle.

If your friend does become a baby-obsessed it can be really hard work for you, but bear in mind that this is an exciting new experience for her where not only her body and emotions are changing, but she is preparing herself for looking after her own child.

The best thing for you to do is to talk to her about this. It will be hard, but tell her you miss having chats and gossiping. Explain to her that you understand this is a really important time in her life, but also tell her that you miss the things you used to talk about. She probably hasn’t realised just how much she talks babies!

Jealousy
Feelings of jealousy are also quite common. “I couldn’t help but feel envious of my friend Jenny when she became pregnant. It was all so exciting and she had something amazing to look forward to, all I felt was single and hopeless,” says Ros Peterson, 30, from West London.

It’s normal to experience pangs of jealousy and the best approach is to tell your friend how you feel. Explain how much you admire her and her ability to cope with the pregnancy and mention that you can’t help but feel jealous. She will probably tell you how much she envies your life at the moment, being able to eat what you like and have a glass of wine!

Don’t brag
If you don’t have children, you probably represent to your friend the carefree life she once had, not bogged down with antenatal appointments, a growing belly, aching breasts or the sudden fear that life will never be the same again. Try not to go on about the great party you’ve been to or the fabulous new size 8 jeans you've just bought. Instead, suggest you both go shopping for some maternity clothes for her and, when she’s not feeling ill, arrange a night out together – just bear in mind she’s likely to need her bed before last orders.

To talk to other expectant mums about how their relationships with their best friends have changed, visit the Guide to Pregnancy area of our chat forum.

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Last Modified: 21/11/2007

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