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Grandparents and new babies

You can’t choose when you become a grandparent, but most will admit that as well as being a magical experience, they’re also a little apprehensive. Questions such as, will I have forgotten everything? Will we be good grandparents? Or What will we be called? Spring to mind. Here we’ve gathered some helpful hints to prepare you for taking the next step in your parenting journey.

Changing attitudes
Bear in mind that the new parents views will be very different to your own child-rearing ideals. “My son and his wife brought my granddaughter up in a very different way to how I brought up my kids,” says Joan Winter, 61, from Stroud. “They were very organised, had Lilly in a routine at three months and refused to budge on the routine even if it meant missing out on things. I was a bit more relaxed in my day.”
The point to remember is that your parents probably frowned on your own child-rearing skills back then and so the cycle continues. Pointing out what you think they are doing wrong will only upset and frustrate them and you’d be better off taking a more positive attitude and focusing on the things you agree with; that your grandchild seems really happy and content for example.

Your name
Lots of grandparents love to be called ‘Grannie’ or ‘Grandpa’, but some think it makes them sound old! Don’t be afraid of letting the new parents know if you want to be called something different. “I decided that I wanted to be called Rani as it was the name I called my Grandmother,” says Nancy Allbright, 58, from Harwich. “My grandchildren loved having a grannie with a ‘different’ name.”
Also be sure to check what the other sets of grandparents want to be called if you want to sound different from each other.

Distracted
Don’t be alarmed when the new parents disappear off the radar for the first few weeks/months! It’s hard to adjust to life with a new baby and keeping in touch with friends and family often falls by the wayside. Try to resist the urge to call them all the time and if you can, recognise in their voices if they seem too tired or stressed for phone conversations.

Your role
Your role as a grandparent all depends on where you live in relation to the new parents and how much involvement you and the parents wish to have. If the new mother plans to return to work and you live nearby and are willing to help out, your help might be much needed. On the other hand, stopping in (try not to arrive unannounced) to help with the baby, helping around the house or cooking a meal or two might be just what the new parents need. Launching yourselves on the new parents might not be what they need. Always phone first to make sure they are in a fit state. Often new parents have a stream of visitors when all they want is to be left alone getting used to their new baby, so bear this in mind.

What you can do with your grandchild
The role of a grandparent is a really special one, offering emotional support, love and lots of attention on growing minds. Even a small baby will love to be rocked or sung to by a grandparent (especially as it gives mum a break). As your grandchild gets older, there are many activities you can share together from colouring in to teaching them games you used to play at school. Taking your grandchild for a special day out can be a memorable experience especially if she is one of three or more children, as she’ll enjoy having your individual attention for the day. See our articles on playing with newborns and playing with an older baby. See our videos on how to entertain an older baby for more helpful ideas.

Sweet and chocolates
It may seem a cliché that grandparents are willing to spoil grandchildren rotten, but for the most part it’s true. If you really can’t help yourself, check with the parents which treats your grandchild is allowed and try to stick to the healthier snacks if you can. It’s best not to annoy the parents by filling the children with sugary treats when they probably spend their time trying to keep their kids away from them. On the other hand, aren’t grandparents allowed to spoil their grandchildren once in a while?

Children and safety
It is imperative that you take the necessary steps to ensure your home, garden and car are safe for your grandchild. Watch our videos on babyproofing your garden and articles on babyproofing your home for handy hints.
How your grandchild sleeps is bound to have changed since you looked after your own children. The government advises all parents to put their children to sleep on their backs in the feet to foot position to help reduce the incidence of cot death. Make sure you check with the parents exactly what they do at bedtime so you can keep to the same routine and how the baby sleeps. See our articles on creating a safe sleep environment for your baby for a refresher course.

Dealing with bad behaviour
Even adorable grandchildren misbehave! It can be really difficult to discipline a grandchild that you dote on and the best advice is to ask the parents which forms of discipline they employ (the naughty step for instance) and what they feel you should use. Some naughty behaviour will probably be down to playing up when mummy and daddy are away, however if it becomes more and more frequent it needs to be dealt with straight away. Don’t forget that what is unacceptable to you might not be unacceptable behaviour for the parents. Perhaps get the parents to write some ground rules down for you so your grandchildren don’t try any ‘Mummy and Daddy let me do it’ lines. See our article on heading off a tantrum to help you with the terrible twos.

Financial support from Grandparents
Often there is pressure for grandparents to contribute some kind of financial support for their grandchildren but you should only provide support if you are willing and can afford it. There are lots of cheap alternatives such as opening a savings account for your grandchild and putting in what you can afford from time to time. In terms of presents, don’t feel you have to go over the top buying the latest gadgets – supermarkets offer good cheap clothes for babies and children nowadays and young children are as happy with a tub filled with keys and building blocks as they are with expensive children’s toys. Taking your children on trips to the park for a cake can hold a special place in your grandchild’s memory so don’t feel like you have to splash out on expensive outings.

Don't forget you can join a Grandparents group in our groups area, or discuss anything with other gurgle members in our chat forum if there is something on your mind.