Single parents survival guide
People can become a single parent for several reasons. Sometimes, it's as a result of bereavement. In the majority of cases, however, it's as a result of a relationship or marriage breakdown.
Whatever the reason, it's tough. You’ve gone from being part of what you might have believed was a stable, secure relationship to being by yourself with a baby or young child to care for when your confidence and self-esteem might be at a low ebb.
Being a single parent can be incredibly lonely; when you're in a relationship you tend to take for granted that there’s someone else to help you shoulder the load. As a single parent you’re faced with the prospect of single-handedly dealing with everything from your baby’s twice-nightly feeds to your toddler's tantrums and/or your preschooler’s sleep issues.
It may seem unfair – but when you have a child, giving up isn’t an option. Here are gurgle’s tips for coping…
1. Don't be selfish (even if your partner has been). Although you probably don't feel like hearing it right now, occasionally you need to listen to a few home truths. As soon as you become a parent, you're no longer number one – your child is. Be there for them.
2. Don't bottle things up. If you need to cry, go ahead – but try not to let your children see. Set them up with a game/activity and go have a few minutes to yourself.
3. Allow yourself some 'me' time at the end of the day. This could take the form of having a long hot soak in the tub, reading a magazine or good book or watching a movie you've been meaning to see for ages (a word of advice – avoid rom coms!). The positive side to being on your own is having time to yourself at the end of the day when your children have gone to bed where you get to choose what you watch or read.
4. Be honest with your child/children. This doesn't mean that they need to know every tiny detail of what went wrong in your relationship, but if they ask you questions, try to answer as truthfully as possible. Most children are more perceptive than their parents think and the chances are they will have some idea of what is going on, or at least have been picking up on the emotions in the household.
5. Spend quality time with your child/children. Even though you might feel as if you don't have the energy, you'll gain strength from seeing them enjoying themselves. Watching them laughing and playing in the park might be enough to put a smile on your face.
6. Don't badmouth your ex. However tempting this may seem, you must refrain from saying anything bad about dad. Your child will pick up on this – don't fill her with your bitterness. She’s the innocent party. As she gets older she’ll make up her own mind about her family and won't need help from you. As much as you may be hating your ex, try to reassure your children that he/she still loves them and that your break-up is nothing to do with them. Many children think that their parents' break-up is their fault and this can have an effect on your child in the future.
7. Try to make handovers between you and your child's father as amicable as possible. Never argue in front of your child. If you really can't get on with your ex, you may need to organize a go-between – a friend or family member for example.
8. Talk through your feelings with your family and friends. Though you may feel like hiding your head in the sand, you have to accept what's happened and express your emotions. You're grieving not only for your past but also for the future you thought you were going to have. Don't worry about boring your loved ones – they want to be there for you. The more you build up your support network, the stronger you’ll be. You might also find that a few sessions with a counselor will help – although it's great to talk to your nearest and dearest, sometimes you need someone neutral who will just listen to you rather than give their input and offer you advice, as friends and family will tend to do.
9. Laugh! Though this may seem like the last thing you feel like doing, you have to keep your sense of humor. Surround yourself with people that make you happy.
10. Why not try something new? If you've always wanted to learn a new language, take acting classes or do a cookery course, now's the time to do it. After a relationship breaks down it's easy to feel as it you’re a failure, and something like this can really boost your self-esteem.
11. Remember, you're not alone – so many people are in the same boat as you. Try to put things in perspective: worse things happen and you must count your blessings. It might help to join a single parents network (why not join gurgle’s single parents group to meet other parents in the same situation as you?). Why not tell us what you are going through at the moment in our chat forum?
The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional
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Last Modified: 03/01/2008
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