Single parents survival guide

People can become a single parent for several reasons. Sometimes, it's as a result of bereavement. In the majority of cases, however, it's as a result of a relationship or marriage breakdown. Whatever the reason, it's tough, and I'm speaking from experience.

My relationship with my daughter's father broke down almost three years ago, when she was just two-and-a-half years old. I found it very difficult and, in many ways, still do. To be honest, in those early days I didn't know how I was going to cope. Suddenly I was thrown into a whole new world; one I was reluctant to enter. I had gone from being a mum in a happy family, contemplating another baby, to suddenly facing life and bringing up my daughter on my own without the love or support of a partner. Being a single parent can be incredibly lonely; when you're in a relationship you take so many things for granted, but suddenly I was faced with the prospect of single-handedly dealing with everything from my toddler's tantrums to her feeding and sleeping issues. I used to get cross and upset - not with her, but the new situation I found myself in. It all seemed so unfair.

However, when you have a child, giving up is not an option. I remember my mum saying to me soon after the break-up, when I was in the midst of wallowing in self-pity, 'Who do you care more about, yourself or your daughter?' Of course, the answer was obvious - my daughter was the important one and this was no time to be selfish. She needed me more than ever. Slowly, I picked myself up and started to piece my life back together. Here's a brief survival guide for all you single parents out there. I don't have all the answers, and every situation is different, but I do have a few tips I'd like to share with you that can hopefully help you through the toughest times.

1) Don't be selfish. (Even if your partner has been) Although you probably don't feel like hearing it right now, occasionally you need to listen to a few home truths. As soon as you become a parent, you're no longer number one - your child is. Be there for them.

2) Don't bottle things up. If you need to cry, go ahead, but try not to let your children see. Set them up with a game/activity and go have a few minutes to yourself.

3) Allow yourself some 'me' time at the end of the day. This could take the form of having a long hot soak in the tub, reading a magazine or good book or watching a film you've been meaning to see for ages (a word of advice - avoid rom coms!) The positive side to being on your own is having time to yourself at the end of the day when your children have gone to bed where you get to choose what you watch or read.

4) Be honest with your child/children. This doesn't mean that they need to know every tiny detail of what went wrong in your relationship, but if they ask you questions, try to answer as truthfully as possible. A few months after I split up with my partner, she asked me if she could have a baby brother or sister. When I explained that this wasn't possible as daddy didn't live with us anymore, she said 'Well, the next time daddy pops round, could you please try to make another baby?' I let her down as gently as possible... Most children are more perceptive than their parents think and the chances are they will have some idea of what is going on, or at least have been picking up on the emotions in the household.

5) Spend quality time with your child/children. Even though you might feel as if you don't have the energy, you'll gain strength from seeing them enjoying themselves. Watching them laughing and playing in the park might be enough to put a smile on your face.

6) Don't badmouth your ex. However tempting this may seem, you must refrain from saying anything bad about their dad. Children will pick up on this - don't fill them with your bitterness. They're the innocent party. As they get older they will make their own minds up about their family and won't need help from you. As much as you are hating your ex, try to reassure your children that he/she still loves them and that your break-up is nothing to do with them. Many children think that their parents' break up in their fault and this ccan have an effect on your child in the future.

7) Try to make handovers between you and your child's father as amicable as possible. Never argue in front of a child. If you really can't get on with your ex partner, you may need to organise a go-between - a friend or family member for example.

8) Talk through your feelings with your friends and family. Though you may feel like hiding your head in the sand, you have to accept what's happened and express your emotions. You're grieving not only for your past but also for the future you thought you were going to have. Don't worry about boring your loved ones - they want to be there for you. The more you build up your support network, the stronger you will be. You might find that a few sessions with a counsellor will help; although it's great to talk to your nearest and dearest, sometimes you need someone neutral who will just listen to you rather than give their input and offer you advice, as friends and family will do.

9) Laugh! Though this may seem like the last thing you feel like doing, you have to keep your sense of humour. Surround yourself with people that make you happy.

10) Why not try something new? If you've always wanted to learn a new language, take acting classes or do a cookery course, now's the time to do it. I went back to university to study an MA, for example. This will really boost your self-esteem, as after a relationship breaks down it's easy to feel like a failure.

11) Remember, you're not alone - so many people are in the same boat as you. Try to put things in perspective; worse things happen and you must count your blessings. It might help to join a single parents network (why not join gurgle.com's Single Parents group to meet other parents in the same situation as you).

Why not tell us what you are going through at the moment in our Chat Forum?