Competitive parents and how to avoid hyperparenting
We’re all proud of our children and want to shout their accomplishments to the heavens whether it’s the fact that they sleep through the night, walked at just 10 months or were potty trained and dry at night by the age of two years. And funnily enough, the mom competition can also extend to whose baby is the worst – whose wakes up more often, whose has the worst colic, whose is still in diapers at three and a half, whose is the pickiest eater!
Part of the reason moms are such competitive parents is that we’re looking for approval for our parenting style – we want other moms to see that we’re doing it the right way, and our child is the proof of that. It often goes to a basic insecurity about how well we’re really doing, and whether our maternal instinct is getting it right.
In some ways the competition can be healthy – it can open your eyes to opportunities you might never have considered for your child and inspire you to try new directions in parenting that benefit her. But being a pushy parent can start to cause problems is if you start to try to live through your child. You might want to make sure she gets all the things that you never had and has the perfect childhood, but it can mean you lose perspective on what your child needs and wants. The result can be an overly structured life that leaves your child little time to explore and engage in the free play that boosts her creativity and sense of self-sufficiency. There’s also a danger that you might start to judge your child depending on how she performs across a range of self-improvement activities.
Keep being proud of your child and by all means, engage in some minor boasting – after all it’ll boost her self-esteem no end if she knows Mommy thinks she’s great! But try to avoid trying to one-up other moms in a way that might make them feel as insecure as you do deep down inside. Follow these tips…
Don’t see your child’s achievements as proof you’re the perfect parent
Your success as a parent has little to do with your child’s achievements and a lot to do with how emotionally strong and prepared she is to lead their own lives. Your job isn’t to get her into an Ivy league school – it’s to nurture and inspire her, and teach her the skills she needs to make it happen all by herself.
Avoid hyperparents!
Nothing will make you more insecure and nervous than other parents who are caught up in the competitive parenting cycle. Try to distance yourself from them, or not get sucked into the contest and up with them dictating what your parenting goals should be. Spend time with parents who have similar goals to yours and won’t try to influence you to do things a certain way just to keep up with them. You’ll only get once chance at raising your child – so do it your way.
Control activities
It may be tempting to sign your child up for every enrichment activity going but it will leave her little time to use her imagination for self-entertainment. It also will cut into family time, which shouldn’t be overloaded with commitments. If you’re too busy to just hang out together, adjustments need to be made. Family time should be as important as social and educational activities.
Do nothing sometimes!
Spend unproductive time with your child, chalking on the driveway, walking through the park, talking, reading. This shows your child that you enjoy spending time with her without her having to jump through hoops and show off her party tricks at whatever activity session you might usually attend – and that tells her you find her interesting and fun when she’s just being herself. Nothing will bolster her self-esteem more effectively!
Trust yourself
Your parental instinct is right most of the time. Don’t believe other moms who try to tell you or imply by their actions that they know better than you when it comes to raising your child. When it comes to your child, you are the expert, so trust yourself – you know more than you think!
The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.
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Last Modified: 12/04/2009
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