Grandparents who think they know best

Your parents, or in-laws probably fall into two categories; those who think they know best and those who do know best. As great as the first category of grandparents sounds, most of us have more experience with the former; those who think they know best and tell you what you are doing wrong as a parent! Here are a few ways to deal with that troublesome mother-in-law or your mum constantly turning up unannounced to see your baby…

Grandparent problem 1:  Giving your kids too many treats
If your parents or in-laws spoil your children, it can be difficult to tell them to stop – after all it’s the age-old cliché that grandparents are there to spoil their grandchildren. The problem is that firstly your children may come to expect presents from them and look forward to their visits because of the treats, rather than spending time with their grandparents. Secondly, your kids can be a nightmare to deal with after they have been spoiled with chocolate treats and toys, especially once the Grandparents have left and it’s just boring old Mummy and Daddy left who say NO to everything.

It will probably help to see it from your parents or in-law’s point of view. When they were bringing you or your partner up they probably had to worry about money, whether they were parenting in the right way and having to deal with their own parents and in-laws!  Now that they are grandparents they can spoil their grandchildren in a way they probably never did with you! They are more financially secure and have relaxed a bit from when they were parenting. Often parents will notice that their own parents are different as grandparents, regularly break the rules they set for you as children with their own grandchildren!

Grandparent Solution:
With this in mind it can be a tricky situation to broach, but it is worth (if you can), being as open as possible. You could explain to your parents or in-laws that you are worried that your kids are looking forward to seeing their grandparents for the wrong reasons. If this falls on deaf ears, you could try giving them a list of items you really need – new vests and babygrows in the next size up for example, instead of more toys or chocolate. You could then ask that they limit the treat they give to your child to one small item.

Another idea is to set up a savings account for your child and encourage the grandparents to put money in and only give one small gift to your children each visit. The important thing is to make sure the grandparents don’t think they are being denied the opportunity to give – they can give a small present but limit it to one or two rather than the whole of The Early Learning Centre.

A friend of mine decided to ask her parents to stop buying the kids lots of toys and instead pay for their weekly ballet and football classes; the grandparents loved this idea and it added up to the same amount of money anyway. My friend told her kids that their grandparents were paying for their classes so the children were aware too, which again is important for the grandparents.


Grandparent problem 2: Overriding your authority
Another tricky one, but a common complaint from parents! The normal scenario is that you have just told your child off for being naughty and a grandparent will then buy her an ice cream or let her watch TV – whatever it is you have told your child they are not allowed! My Grandmother used to have a plate on her kitchen wall that read; ‘If mother says no ask Grandma’, which illustrates this problem. Children realise they can get things out of their grandparents that they couldn't get from their parents. While this is fine occasionally and quite fun for your children, it needs to be stopped if it is becoming a frequent occurence.

Grandparent Solution:
Probably the best approach with this situation is to say to your child after you have reprimanded him, ‘Please don’t ask Grandma if you can watch TV because she’ll say no too, won’t you Grandma’, so say it loud enough for Grandma to hear. This approach might be effective if you don’t feel like you can sit down and tell them they need to support your decisions. Of course if you can be upfront with them, tell them straight, or at least let them know gently that you would prefer them to stand by your decisions rather than going against them. You could say your child becomes very confused by right and wrong if he gets conflicting opinions from the parental figures he trusts. It’s always better to be singing from the same hymn sheet as they say.

If a grandparent or in-law looks after your child for you and is overriding your authority for example, giving your child sweets and chocolate when you have said not too, it is probably a good idea to sit down with the grandparent to get the boundaries straight. Make sure the grandparent knows how much you value them looking after your child and how much your child looks forward to seeing them, but point out that when your child gets home he pesters you endlessly for the same treats, making it difficult for you. You can suggest that he gets less treats, especially later in the day when it may affect his bedtime routine. Or suggest he gets treats at the weekend if he is good but is not allowed in the week. Tell the grandparent why he cannot have too many treats; his teeth, sweets make him hyperactive, he has been naughty etc etc. Explain that if you have said no to something and the grandparent lets him do it, next time he'll probably be even naughtier.


Grandparent problem 3: Favouring one child over the other
Quite often the first grandchild becomes a favourite grandchild for one of the grandparents, or a grandparent may favour your boy over your girl. If this happens you definitely need to sit down and have a chat with the grandparent. Even young children (although probably not babies) will notice if an older sibling gets bigger or better presents than them, or if a grandparent pays more attention to a sibling. The reason you need to nip this one in the bud is because it can lead to the ‘unfavoured’ child feeling jealousy, resentment and anger and even unhealthy competition between his siblings. The last thing you want is one of your children to feel insecure or unconfident because of favouritism.

Grandparent Solution:
It may be that the grandparent feels more of a bond with an older child who can speak and be understood more so than with a toddler. If you do think favouritism is happening, why not suggest to the grandparent that they take the other child out for a trip to see the ducks or to the park for an ice cream – just the two of them.

Remember that the grandparent may not be aware they are paying one child more attention than the others; be careful to phrase it properly if you decide to bring it up with the grandparent. You could say: ‘Alfie mentioned to me that you play with Alex more than him’, to gage the grandparent's reaction. If the grandparent seems upset you could say, ‘well I’m sure you don’t always play with Alex, but why don’t you and Alfie have a little trip to the park – it will mean I can spend some time with Alex…”

The other thing to remember is to be an example yourself, so if you pay more attention to your youngest child because she is the smallest and seems to need you more, the grandparents may well be reacting to this by showering the older one with love and treats. If you treat your children equally then hopefully other adults around you will do the same.

Grandparent problem 4: Criticising your parenting style
It’s a pretty standard grandparent gripe we see on the gurgle chat forums all the time; a grandparent who tells you you’re doing something wrong! It may not be confined to parenting; your general lifestyle can be open to criticism too! The problem with this scenario is that it can often drive a wedge between you and the grandparent, it can also drive a wedge between you and your partner, especially if it is his parents who tend to criticise and this can only be a bad outcome for your children.

Grandparent Solution:
One thing to consider is how parenting styles differ compared to twenty or thirty years ago. This can often be why a grandparent feels the need to speak out. Why not try bringing the grandparent with you when you next visit the health visitor for a weigh-in or to a doctor’s appointment. That way the grandparent will feel more in touch with the parenting practises recommended today. (And if they start questioning the doctor they may be firmly put in their place!)

Instead of fighting against a grandparent’s comments why not say, ‘Yes I think I’ll try that, good idea’ – whether you do or not is up to you, but keeping the peace should be paramount. Do remember that she has brought up children of her own and may well have some good advice.

If the comments really are unjust and she is constantly putting you down, it may be worth sitting down with her and being open about how you feel. Explain that while your parenting styles may differ you both want the same thing, for your child to be happy, healthy and most of all loved. Mention that as a parent you learn through your mistakes (even if you don’t think you are making any) and it is imperative that you learn for yourself the ups and downs of being a parent, just like she did.

Grandparent problem 5: You’re ignored by your parents/in laws
Ever been pushed out of the way in the doorway by your eager in-laws desperate to get a glimpse/hug from your kids? Many mums feel (to the grandparents) like they exist only as the mother of the grandchildren rather than an actual person. This may occur because the parents or in-laws have been waiting for grandchildren for a while and when they do arrive – they want to spoil them rotten. This doesn’t help you much from feeling like a spare part.

Grandparent Solution:
Why not arrange for a babysitter to look after your kids one night whilst you and your partner and the in-laws/parents go out for dinner together. This way they can get to know you without your children around to distract them. It may be that they realise they are distracted by the kids and will relish spending some time with you. If not a meal out then encourage them to stay for diner after they’ve helped you put the kids to bed so you can spend some time together. You could try to include your mother-in-law (for example) in an activity you like doing; going to an art gallery or theatre together or even just out shopping for kids clothes minus the kids!

It might help to ask the grandparents advice on a parenting matter to encourage more adult conversation between all of you. You could try calling the grandparents to say hello. Tell them news of your kids, but also tell them what you have been up to; that way they cannot become distracted by your children and will be listening to your news as well.

It’s also worth remembering that as your kids get older and more independent and the grandparents aren’t ‘new’ grandparents anymore, your relationship will change as they spend more time with you. Your kids will be off playing in the garden and this is a good time to nurture that relationship with your in-laws.


Grandparent problem 6: Your parents or in laws ‘land in’ on you the whole time!
Again, another common nightmare scenario we see on the gurgle chat forums - grandparents who cannot stay away! Tired of hiding behind the sofa when the door bell rings? Here are some hints about how to deal with uninvited guests!

Grandparent Solution:
First off you need to sit down with them and your partner and be clear and honest about what you want. If they are your partner’s parents it may be a good idea coming from him. Start by telling them that life has been pretty stressful since the kids arrived and although their help has been amazing, it’s stressful for you when they arrive unannounced. Make sure they realise that you love seeing them and your kids adore them but they must phone first before visiting you to check whether it is a good time. Tell them it is no point coming if the children are napping and if they see their grandparents it might disrupt their nap. If this doesn’t work and they still turn up announced tell them you were about to go out and you wished they’d phoned first to check if you were in. You may well have to go out and see a friend (unannounced) just to make the point!

The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.

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