Playing favorites - when you love one child more

All parents want to believe they love their children equally but once you have a second child it’s sometimes difficult to avoid having a favorite – and in many ways it’s perfectly natural. It might not even really indicate that you love one child more – the fact is, all children are different and if you have more than one you will likely find that you have to be a different type of parent with each of them depending on their unique personalities and needs, in order to bring out the best in them.

Reasons you might play favorites

It’s very common for one child to simply be a better fit with a particular parent – for example, your daughter’s personality might be more compatible with yours, or maybe she’s a placid child who is simply easier to parent while your son is an active go-getter who tires you out so much you welcome the quiet time you get to spend with your other child. It’s common to feel more engaged with those who share your interests, whether they’re your children or your friends.

Maybe one of your children simply demands more time and attention – for example, if he’s more emotional or has special needs. You might feel a stronger bond with second and subsequent children simply because you knew what you were doing when it came to baby care and it wasn’t such an ordeal as it may have been with your oldest child, when you were doing it all for the first time. And it’s also only natural that you would expect a different degree of obedience from an older child than you do a toddler, and will discipline them differently according to their differing ages.

If you have a particularly large age gap you – and your child’s grandparents – might succumb to the temptation to spoil your new baby. You may also find that your children’s grandparents might seem to prefer spending time with your older child – but this may be a reflection of the fact that she’s easier for them to handle than a demanding baby or boisterous toddler.

The circumstances of your child’s conception and birth also can come into play. If a child is conceived with a terminally ill partner it’s common for women to perceive that their baby is particularly precious. On the other hand, if a child is conceived at a difficult time – too soon after your older child, late in life, or in tough economic times – it can cause a great deal of stress and anxiety. You might also harbor subconscious resentment towards a baby whose birth was difficult.

Believe it or not, the status of your relationship also can result in you playing favorites. If your relationship is difficult you might subconsciously reject a child who is more like your partner and favor one who is more like you. If your partner has children from another marriage it’s common for you to favor your natural child, and vice versa. This also may occur with grandparents who may not feel an emotional connection with grandchildren they ‘inherit’.

How favoritism can affect your child

There’s little doubt that if your child thinks you or their grandparents love a sibling more, it can cause them to have low self-esteem and a feeling of being treated unfairly that could potentially cause them to treat other children unfairly. But it also can have ramifications for the child who is favored. They may realize they are getting preferential treatment they don’t really deserve and worry that it might be taken away from them if they fall out of favor with you. They may grow up feeling they are somehow entitled to special treatment and will run into problems in the real world when teachers, for example, don’t show them favoritism. They also may feel bad for their sibling, and much sibling rivalry may result from the less-favored child.

How to avoid playing favorites

The first step you need to take is to accept that you are favoriting one of your children and work out the reasons why. Don’t beat yourself up about it – it may be that you and that child just fit better. But do think about how your own character and personality traits might be clashing with your child – it could be that you see something you dislike in yourself manifested in your child and that you project negative feelings about yourself onto your child.

Try to approach your children as individuals – don’t ‘try’ to love them equally – instead love them for who they are, for their uniqueness. It can help to jot down a list of your children’s strong points and positive traits and plan a way that you can tap into these and spend more time with your less-favored child. But avoid making comparisons, if you can, as you’ll only end up reinforcing the factors that make you naturally incline towards your favored child.

From a practical point of view, try to spend alone-time with each child, and keep in mind that your less-favored child will likely be hurt if you do more with the other child, spend more on them or dole out chores unequally. Avoid labeling or overpraising your children – don’t refer to your favored child as ‘the clever one’. Instead, praise behavior and achievements: “Wow, you got an A on your spelling test, that’s great.”

Whatever you do, remember that your less-favored child loves you just as much as your other child and looks to you for love and attention. Don’t focus on what makes them different from you – celebrate those differences.

The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.

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Last Modified: 28/06/2009

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