How to be a good daughter-in-law

Our chat forum is littered with gurgle members getting heated about dealing with their mother-in-laws. Of all the relationships we have to master in life, the mother-in-law one seems to be the trickiest. At best there are those who consider their mother-in-laws to be their friends and at worst mother-in-laws can actually drive a wedge between you and your partner. While we are not suggesting you resign yourself to your mother-in-law’s ways, we can suggest ten ways to help improve your relationship.

1. Avoid conflict

If you can avoid any sort of confrontation with your mother-in-law, do at all costs. While we’re not suggesting you give in to her ways, especially if you don’t agree with her, there are things you can do to smooth the way. One option is to agree with what she is saying, but then do it your own way. This option works well if you use phrases such as, 'i'll give it a try', if your mother-in-law is suggesting a different parenting technique to what you are used too. At least this phrase lets her know you'll try her suggestion, but it doesn't mean you'll change you ways.

2. Stand back

If there are any big issues that need to be discussed with your in-laws, let your husband/partner do the talking, after all they are his parents. That way they can see that it isn’t you trying to enforce your rules, but both of you who have an issue with something. It is also imperative that you don’t get drawn into any arguments your husband/partner is having with his parents. It’s much better to stand back and try to be diplomatic to both sides. You may well have to be the one to help with a reconciliation!

3. Respect

Your mother-in-law will do things differently to you because you are from different generations. One thing she definitely has got is experience; so don’t be too quick to shun her advice. What she is saying may actually make sense even if she’s not saying it particularly nicely. If you respect how she sees the world, she will hopefully return the favour.

4. Hold your head up high

If your mother in law is being nasty or untactful, try not to stoop to her level as this will only give her more ammunition. Instead try to distance yourself from her and try not to react if she is being unreasonable. Hopefully this will discourage her from continuing to act this way. If you are distancing yourself from her, try not to let the children know how you feel. Whatever the relationship between you and your mother-in-law try not to let it affect the relationship your children have with their grandparents.

5. Stay in contact

Sometimes mother-in-laws act unreasonably because they are afraid of losing their sons. It’s a great idea to keep your mother-in-law updated on what you are all doing by text message, even if it’s to tell her your baby just ate his first bit of pureed carrot! This will make your mother-in-law feel like she is part of your lives and keeps her in the loop about all the goings-on of her grandchildren. Let your children get into the habit of calling their Grandparents especially if they don’t live near you, to help forge the relationship between your children and their grandparents. If it’s you who is initiating the phone call, your in-laws will know that you are helping to create the special bond between them and their grandchildren.

6. Find out your common interests

There must be something that you and your mother-in-law like to do together? Even if it’s shopping for the kids winter coats or watching a movie. Whatever it is, try to spend some one-on-one time with your mother-in-law so you can both get to know each other. Sometimes parents feel as if their in-laws are only interested in the grandchildren; if this is happening, try to schedule in some time for you and your mother-in-law to go out for dinner together and get to know each other without the distraction of your children around.

7. Include and involve

Try to include and involve your in-laws in different aspects of your children’s lives, for example, let them know about school sports days or nursery outings parents and grandparents are invited too. Ask your in-laws to pick your child up from nursery occasionally so they can be involved with what your child is doing.

8. Ask for your mother-in-laws opinion

There’s nothing that your mother-in-law will like better than to feel that her opinion is worthwhile. Why not ask her opinion on parenting matters (bearing in mind point 1. You do not have to do what she says, but it is a good idea to agree with her anyway!)

9. Stand up for yourself

If you feel you are being unfairly criticised, do stand up for yourself but do it in as diplomatic a way as possible. Use the age-old trick of agreeing with what she says, then giving a reason why you’ll do things differently, for example you could say, ‘I agree that the children should see you as much as possible and they get so excited when you come round, but it would be great of you could call first to make sure they’re not napping or that we're not going out somewhere.’

10. Remember the future

There is a huge possibility that you will be a mother-in-law one day in the future (gasp!) and will be in the same situation as your mother-in-law, wanting to see the kids, wanting the best for your son or daughter and possibly turning up announced to see your new grandchild! If you bear this in mind and imagine yourself in the shoes of your mother-in-law, you may find it easier to relate to her and ultimately get on together.

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Last Modified: 23/07/2009