You and your ex: tips on how to stay friendly for the kids

Divorce and separation is becoming more and more common, with almost 50 percent of children growing up in single-parent households – and what that means in practical terms is that many couples have to put aside their differences in order to co-parent without displaying any bitterness towards their former partner.

It’s vital that this happens because the breakdown of a relationship is an event that will affect your child for the rest of her life, not just for a few months when you are going through separation and divorce. Divorce is the end of your marriage, not the end of your family – but from the point one parent is removed from the day-to-day equation, your child’s family life will always be different.

How divorce can affect your child?

The effects of divorce can be long lasting – statistics show that up to a quarter of children whose parents get divorced have emotional and behavioral problems compared to 10 percent of children whose parents don’t divorce. However, it’s important to keep in mind that it isn’t your separation that causes damage – rather the way in which it occurs. You can help your child to adjust by maintaining her contact with her absent parent and ensuring that she isn’t exposed to any conflict that may be occurring between you. It means parenting as a team even if you are no longer a couple.

Your child’s sense of security is vital. She needs you to both explain the practicalities of the split or divorce – for example, where the parent who leaves is going to live, when she will see them. It’s crucial that she knows you both still love her and that she’ll continue to have a relationship with both of you.

Your child may want to ask questions, or she may be angry or upset. Some children retreat into their shell and are quiet and unresponsive. Even very young children can be very sensitive to emotional tension so presenting her with a united front far as her wellbeing is concerned is essential.

Getting along with your ex

Most experts agree that children from divorced families are happier and do better if both parents remain actively involved in their lives and when parents avoid exposing them to their personal feelings and any conflicts that may exist.

During the divorce process, it’s a good idea to draw up a ‘co-parenting plan’ that can help you preserve an amicable relationship as opposed to consistently putting your child in the middle of personal feelings and conflict. Some states require a co-parenting or shared parenting plan to be filed as part of a divorce – your attorney can advise you on this. It’s typical for a plan to include custody details, visitation rights, the details of any financial support agreement, discipline and household rules, and guidelines on how to approach important decisions regarding your child.

The plan can be a good way of hitting it home to both you and your child that she is still your priority and you intend to work together to raise her. If your child sees that you are doing this in a civil and friendly way she will feel more secure. The fact that you are co-operating also is an important example to her in regard to being flexible and solving problems.

It can be very difficult to prevent bitterness from souring family issues during the divorce process, particularly if the split wasn’t a mutual decision or one parent’s behavior is clearly at fault. But unresolved anger will be a significant obstacle to co-parenting effectively. It’s important that you keep communicating and think beyond any hurt feelings to remember that your child’s wellbeing is at stake. Try to accept each other’s parenting style without having a situation where one of you is perceived as the villain because you maintain the rules while the routine is allowed to slip at the other parent’s house. Be respectful of your child’s other parent and don’t criticize the way they do things or deliberately break the discipline rules just to get even – you’ll just end up confusing your kids. And respect your co-parenting plan when it comes to scheduled visitation.

Some conflict is bound to occur – after all, from time to time, even happily married parents disagree over the best course of action when it comes to their children. If problems arise, remind your ex that you are both working together for a common goal – what is best for your child. Above all, try to present a united front and work together. This will continue to assure your child that you are listening to her and putting her needs first at all times. At the end of the day you may not be a couple any more but you will always be parents.

The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.?

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Last Modified: 04/10/2009

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