Should we have an only child or a large family?
Despite the two children family having being the norm for decades, the UK now has more single child families than it does families with two children.
It’s happening for several reasons. Many parents find they have to think long and hard over the decision of whether to have another baby. Finances are a big factor in the decision, but your experience of parenting the child you already have also is important. If you suffered from postpartum depression or your baby was unusually high maintenance – for example, if she cried excessively or suffered from colic – it can be difficult to face going back to sleepless nights and 24-7 baby care. And if you had a difficult pregnancy or birth, you might also be worried that any complications that occurred could happen again.
Women often are settling down into a relationship or marriage later nowadays, and there also is more of a tendency to put off having children until your thirties. This has implications not only for your first pregnancy but for any future children also, since you may judge that you’ve left it too late for a second child. Many women reach their late thirties and early forties having so far had just one baby and then are faced with declining fertility as well as the increased risk that they might conceive a baby with a problems such as Down syndrome.
Women also are making great strides in the workplace and this has given them a purpose outside the home and family. While working around one child is doable with a good support system, adding another one to the mix might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Divorce also has risen and statistics suggest that marriages that end in divorce tend to do so at around the seven-year mark – often after the first child is born but before a second is conceived.
The advantages of sticking to one
There’s no doubt that one child will be much easier on your finances, especially if you intend sending her to a private school. You’ll also be saving up for just one set of college expenses. And many parents of only children report a very tight emotional bond with their child, since they don’t have to spread themselves too thinly across a larger family.
Your child also can gain from having your undivided attention and her life won’t necessarily lack from not having a sibling if you ensure that she spends a lot of time with other children her own age.
Deciding to have a second baby
It’s important that the decision to have another baby is yours – don’t feel pressured by your own parents’ desire to have another grandchild or for you to maybe have a little boy if you already have a daughter. And don’t be influenced by the fact that a friend or relative has just had another baby – it’s very easy to get swept along by a rose-tinted view even if you already know that raising a child is hard work. If you’re on the fence, wait until the novelty of cooing over your friend or sister’s newborn has worn off.
You also need to avoid having another baby to fill any kind of hole in your emotional or day-to-day life. If your relationship is in difficulty, a baby won’t help to patch it up – in fact it could worsen the problems between you, especially if your partner isn’t ready to have another baby. You aren’t going to be able to tackle your issues with a newborn to take care of. And if your job isn’t going how you want it to, don’t focus on a new baby as a way of taking some time off or perhaps staying at home full-time.
At the end of the day your decision should be based on wanting a baby for the right reasons but there are some important points you need to consider:
Can you afford it?
You need to factor in the price of formula milk (unless you plan to breastfeed) and diapers, both expenses you may have left behind if your older child is a preschooler. And if you don’t still have the big-ticket items you bought to kit out your first baby (crib, car seat etc) you’ll need to budget for replacements.
Will your car be large enough to fit another car seat in it? A point well worth thinking about here is that if you’re older or trying to conceive with the help of fertility treatment, it’s possible you could find that you’re expecting twins, which would double your expenses.
The best way around this is to use what you already have in the way of baby equipment and keep in mind too that your new baby won’t mind if you dress her in hand-me-downs and second-hand buys. You don’t have to spend a fortune on baby kit!
Is your job safe?
If there is any possibility that your job is in jeopardy and you couldn’t afford the added expense of a second child if you lost your job, then it might be best to put it off until your position is more secure. What about your prospects for promotion? Do they hinge on working long hours, and being available at a moment’s notice? Another child could make this difficult for you to achieve.
On the other hand, if you have recently lost you job and can afford to take some time out from the world of work while your partner supports you, this could be a good time to take the plunge, as you won’t be worrying about having to go back to work and finding daycare for your baby.
Do you have the space?
If your home is small your baby may have to share a room with her older sibling. This could go either way depending on the age gap between your children. You also need to consider the fact that it may not be practical several years down the line if you have children of the opposite sex.
One great thing is that even if raising your first baby was difficult, raising your second is often much easier in comparison. He can benefit hugely from the fact that you know what you’re doing and can care for him confidently. It’s also likely that delivering your second (and any subsequent) baby will be easier. And the ultimate payoff is seeing your children interact with each other as they grow – even if sibling rivalry may rear its ugly head from time to time!
The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.
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