Raising a special needs child

If there was any doubt over the fact that having a child with special needs has a huge impact on family life, new US research confirms it, suggesting that the older siblings of young children with autism may be more likely to show signs of hyperactivity, and that their mums experience more stress and depression than mums whose children don’t have autism.

Raising a special needs child

Young children with any kind of disability, developmental problem or special need are bound to take up more time than their siblings, and it’s easy for their brothers and sisters to feel left out and act up to get more attention from you. It also can place a strain on your relationship, especially if you essentially ‘split up’ and each of you takes over responsibility for parenting one child. It’s vital that you stay united and parent all of your children as a team so that you feel united and resentment doesn’t arise because one of you feels as if they’re doing the lion’s share.

There are bound to be times when you feel you’ve had enough and this can be exacerbated if your child is unable to communicate effectively. Children with disabilities often take much longer to progress through the normal stages of development – for example, while your other children might have outgrown tantrums by three or four years of age, once they can better verbalize their needs and frustrations, your special needs child might take much longer to leave this stage behind. And while every achievement is something to celebrate it may feel as if there is always a new challenge she has to overcome.

Your child may feel frustrated if she can’t do the things her brothers and sisters can, and may get upset if she is unable to make you understand her. While it’s vital that you have dreams and goals for her, and that you also let her make decisions for herself and gain some independence by doing things for herself, you may need to adjust your standards and expectations and accepts that what might look like acting up is actually developmentally appropriate for her. This doesn’t mean you should ignore bad behaviour, though. When it comes to discipline, speaking her language can help – instead of relying on verbal instruction, try using visual ones: home-made charts or flashcards that show pictures of her eating, dressing and brushing her teeth can help guide her routine.

Your special needs child and her siblings

All children love their parents’ attention and this can become a real problem if you have a child who simply needs more of you time because she is unable to care for herself. It’s common for the siblings of special needs children to feel jealous, especially if they think you are playing favourites with your other child.

Try to treat all of your children fairly, as far as you can and avoid jealousy by not overindulging your special needs child. She also may be able to help out with simple chores so that her brothers and sisters don’t feel unfairly burdened. It’s also vital that you don’t put too much pressure on your other children to achieve the things that your special needs child may not be able to, as a way of compensating for her limitations.

Try to keep family life as normal as possible, and do the things other families do when it comes to playdates and activities – you don’t want your other children to feel they are missing out on the things their friends get to do because of their sibling. Involve your special needs child fully in family activities and events, but do also set aside some on-on-one time with your other children so that they don’t feel left out.

Parenting your special needs child together

Some families with a special needs child do end up dividing their children between them but this can create divisions in your family. Try to share the responsibilities equally, to ensure one of you doesn’t end up shouldering most of the work and that your children don’t end up missing out on time with both of you.

It’s also important to acknowledge that you need a break from time to time so try to arrange a regular date night where you can spend time with each other away from your children to strengthen your bond. All of your children rely on your energy and vitality so it isn’t selfish to take some time out to relax. Getting support and advice from parents in the same boat as you can make a big difference to your outlook, too – many national organizations and charities have helplines and online forums where you can make contact and share tips.

The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.

Last Modified: 12/03/2010