My child is the naughtiest!

If your child is the one who shouts loudest, hits and bites hardest and shares the least at playdates or activity sessions at the local library, it’s tempting to think you might have been saddled with the naughtiest child on the block. But that often isn’t the case. The fact is that you’re bound to be more tuned into your child’s behaviour – and how it reflects on you as a parent – than you are other children. You can be sure that all the other children who seem much better behaved also have their meltdown moments in public, and that their parents often may feel exactly like you do. The key to dealing with it is to understand why she is behaving this way, clue yourself into her tantrum triggers and not indulge her when she is acting out, even if you are out in public.

Why does my child behave badly?

The answer is simple: your child feels secure when she is with you. She knows that you love her and she knows that she can vent her frustration without fear of losing that love. So really she is flattering you by throwing those tantrums – she knows she will still get a cuddle and a story afterwards. You may well feel unfairly picked on when she comes home from a playdate and the other mum tells you she behaved like an angel – but the fact is that she’s likely been on her best behavior because she doesn’t fully trust her playmate's mum to understand her like you do.

Young children also have poor impulse control, and because they can’t express themselves very well with words they often react aggressively when they are upset. So although you may be convinced your child is the naughtiest, she really isn’t – it's incredibly common for young children to have tantrums.

It also may be that your child acts out with you in an attempt to get more attention. Ask yourself just how much one-on-one time she gets with you. If you’ve recently had another baby it may well be that your older child is feeling left out. She is having to share you for the first time, and she may well feel the new baby is taking your time and attention away from her. Many parents make the mistake of noticing bad behaviour and not paying any attention to good behaviour. This can result in children misbehaving because they know that being naughty is guaranteed to get them the attention they crave, even if it is negative attention. You may notice that your child’s behaviour improves if you take care to ‘catch her being good’. Reward charts can be a great prop for this – any time she is good and thoughtful, let her put a sticker on her reward chart and at the end of the week treat her to a small gift or some special time with you. It can be a great way if getting the message across that not being naughty can help her reap rewards.

Spotting tantrum triggers

All young children have a point they pass when a tantrum becomes pretty inevitable, and if you aren’t tuned into what triggers it then it’s possible your child isn’t really all that naughty at all – it’s more a case of you not stepping in with the right tactics to divert her bad behaviour. Frustration, hunger and tiredness are big bad behaviour boosters, as is overstimulation and the emotional overload that come with the new experiences your child encounters every day. Plus, your older toddler desires independence but isn’t yet old enough to be allowed it, which also fans the flames of her temper. So although she may save her worst flare-ups for you, her naughtiness is really just a momentary expression of how she feels then and there – it isn’t intended to deliberately wind you up or embarrass you.

Get your child behaving better

Offering choices can be a great way to nip bad behaviour in the bud. If your child is cranky as bedtime approaches and tends to behave badly when you tell her it’s time for tooth brushing, phrase it like a choice “Would you like to brush your teeth first or have a story first?” In this way you are steering your child towards good behaviour instead of giving her the opportunity to be naughty. Another good tip is to turn chores and tasks into a game – so if your child tends to be naughty at tidy-up time, turn it into a race: “Let’s see who can put these toys away fastest!”

Distraction is a great diversionary tactic for bad behaviour – it’s a good idea to have a few special toys or activities hidden away that you can magic up if it all looks like going horribly wrong. But if your child’s behaviour really is bad, the key is not to give her the attention she is seeking. At home, put her in time-out if you can, or simply ignore her. This is easier said than done if you are at the store or in another public place – in these circumstances it might be best to simply leave and take her home.

The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.