Having another baby after losing a child
Dealing with your loss
Losing a baby or older child leaves you on very rocky emotional terrain, feeling despair and sorrow. Nothing can prepare you for the intensity of your loss and grief, and you will likely feel as if a part of you is missing. You may have discovered your child yourself if she died of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), feel guilty if your child dies in an accident, or feel that you didn’t do enough to find effective treatment if poor health played a part.It can rob you of the illusion that you can protect your other children and keep them safe – this can be especially hard since one of our main jobs as parents is to protect our children. You also may dwell on times when you were impatient with your child. Plus, it goes against what we see as the natural order of things: that our children should outlive us. A combination of hopelessness, powerlessness, anger, resentment, guilt and inadequacy can totally overwhelm you, and holidays such as Christmas, and what would have been your child’s birthday can be particularly painful.
How it can affect your other children
If you lose a child, your other children experience that loss too. They don’t only lose their sibling – they lose their old lives, the future you may have hoped and planned for, and they also lose you temporarily, as you deal with your grief. Their place in your family might change totally –for example, your middle child might now be your oldest, or maybe your youngest, or maybe even your only child.Your children share a special bond with each other – as well as losing a sibling, your other children have lost a playmate and possibly a confidante. They may have no experience of a time when their sibling wasn’t there: they have played together, eaten together, bathed together, slept together in the same room and sometimes even in the same bed.
Pregnancy after child loss
It is common for couples who’ve lost a child to have another – in fact, for those who lose a baby in pregnancy or early infancy, it’s common to start trying again within the year after that loss. Even though they still grieve their baby and know they can never replace her, they need to have another child to be able to move on with their lives, and while pregnancy after a loss can be a time of great emotional upheaval, it also can be a time of healing and hope.Expect a roller coaster ride of emotions though. Many expectant parents who have gone through loss report that they fear losing another child and many women who lost babies through miscarriage, stillbirth or very early after the birth say that they even detach themselves emotionally from their developing baby because they are afraid of experiencing the same loss again. Once you have your baby you may well find that you are overprotective of her – this is something that often follows through into parenting your other children if you have them. Often you’ll find your anxiety will ease somewhat as your baby or older children pass milestones that the child you lost never reached, or grow past the age she or he was when they died.
Many parents say that if and when they become pregnant again, they often focus on whether their baby will resemble the child they have lost. It isn’t morbid to feel this way or to feel excited by the thought that she might. After all you may not have had the chance to see your other child achieve certain milestones or see what she looks like as she grows. A subsequent child will give you some idea of how your other child might have progressed and it can be comforting even if it there may be times when it makes you feel wistful for what you lost. Alternatively, you may hope that your subsequent child will be of the opposite gender so that any similarities or likeness are not as strong.
Throughout your loss it’s vital to get support. A grief counselor can help you work through feelings of guilt and anger by presenting you with an objective point of view that may lack in your dealings with family members or friends. Your health visitor also can be a valuable source of support, particularly when it comes to helping any other children you have work through their of feelings of loss.
The information in this feature is intended for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a doctor or other healthcare professional.
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Mothercare
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