Relationship Bumps and falls
At a time, when their love, understanding and support matters most - thanks to the physical stress and roller coaster of pregnancy emotions - it has been found that many men actually do stray during this period.
The Tiger Woods episode in particular has generated some interesting observations from gurgle members. Some feel that it’s not just men, but women who cheat too, although not as much. Others think that some men just can't cope with not having regular sex and seeing their wives becoming mothers so it therefore makes them less sexy. Another member suggested that as the bonds of love deepen, lust is gradually replaced by love and respect making it difficult for men to look at their wives as a sexual object.
An extreme viewpoint expressed by one of our male members is that most men will stray given the opportunity and if they think they can get away with it, which paints a very pessimistic view of men. (Now let’s all sincerely hope that he’s the lone ranger and that our husbands/partners don’t share his views).
Experts believe there are key features to these relationship bumps, which some couples may experience:
Lack of attention
On the subject of pregnant wives and erring husbands, this is what the experts have to say – that both partners are equally to blame. Just as women often complain about lack of attention from their husbands, similarly whenever a man strays, the cause is often because of lack of attention from his wife.While you are pre-occupied with the many moods and physical changes of pregnancy - sleepless nights, nauseous mornings, joyful anticipation and preparation for your little baby - all together in a single frame, you run the risk of leaving your husband lonely and feeling alienated during pregnancy and the initial period of motherhood.
It is therefore important for both you and your partner to pay attention to each other’s feelings. The demands of pregnancy may leave you with little energy for anything else, but communicating and sharing your feelings with your partner can be a soothing comforting experience. It will also get him more involved with your pregnancy and help him understand where he can pitch-in to make things easier for you, whether its doing the dishes, breakfast in bed or just a simple pregnancy massage to help you unwind and feel fantastic.
Clash of hormones
As if feeling alienated isn’t bad enough, hormones join the party too. So while your female body releases oxytocin (a bonding hormone released during labour and breastfeeding) that binds you and your baby in deep biological attachment for each other, your man is not only left feeling like an outsider, he’s also left with testosterone that needs to be released.Similarly in the early days of motherhood, once again due to the hormonal changes, most new mums are easily irritable and tired. Though the shift in priorities affects them, most men find it difficult to convey their feelings to an angry wife who is pre-occupied with a new baby!
Unless you have some health complications, there’s no reason why you should not be allowed to have sex during pregnancy. However do discuss with your doctor if you can have sex during your pregnancy, what are the safe sexual positions and what needs to be avoided. Why not read our feature for more about sex during pregnancy and sex after childbirth. Even if you’ve been asked to keep-off sex, work up the charm and show your man there’s still a lot of spunk in you. Nothing works like naughty one-liners, hugs and kisses to keep the warmth and humor alive in your relationship. And nothing is a bigger scare than a perpetually grumpy wife.
Post-birth, while it is natural to experience lack of interest in sex, if you feel that the problem of low libido persists, have a word with your GP or health visitor.
External Issues
Lack of sleep, lack of help in managing the baby, home and older kids if any, financial issues after the baby has arrived…these external factors could raise your stress levels and lead to a loss of interest in sex. On the other hand, some men find it strange to see their partners breast-feeding. If there is no proper sharing of feelings, it could widen not just the physical gap, but an emotional chasm too, which could be the start of a gradual deterioration in the relationship. The best idea is to encourage him to talk about what he feels, especially if he has issues with breastfeeding, or sex. As hard as it is to raise these subjects, it's better to get it out in the open and share how you both feel.Half-baked approach towards sex
Most people have a very narrow view of sex, seeing it as no more than a physical and penetrative act. So when women are sometimes advised to refrain from penetrative sex during pregnancy, it can be frustrating for both the partners. Knowing more about other alternatives for safe sex during pregnancy and after childbirth can be the missing link in your relationship. After all nine months is long way to go without sex altogether.Spirituality of pregnancy
Men feel their demands for sex when their wives are pregnant are not justified, while women are sometimes reluctant to make the first move, as matter of preference. Another factor leading to temporary impotency could be because some men find it difficult to see their wives as a sexual creature when they are pregnant and instead view them as the spiritual font of their child.Body images need to be resolved by both partners. Be conscious of your identity as a mother and sexual creature and let them co-exist rather than compete. Communication and sharing your concerns is the best way to realise that this is only a temporary phase. And believe us, temporary phase it is, although having children means your sex life probably won't be as spontaneous as before, you'll relish things like weekends away, without the kids where you can pretend you are in your twenties again!
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