It is very hard when families break down like that, my mum and dad split when I was about 15, I stayed with my dad and brother because my mum dumped us back home while she went off with another bloke! it really hurt me and still does now im 27 married with a child and another on the way but parents have a way of making you feel like a kid again. My mum is still my mum and she comes round and sees my son sometimes but we have never been as close since she left my dad because she doesnt do mum things with me and my dad is still very bitter about it all so he sometimes says nasty things about her he shouldnt but it still hurts. All I can say is just do whats best for you, if you want both parents to be part of your childs life you can just dont expect them to all be arround at the same time :-)
Two seperate christenings coming up when bambino arrives!
Thanx - it shows we can pick our friends and not our families! It sounds awful but if she told me to p*ss off I wouldn't give two hoots about it. She has caused all the trouble in the first place I would be better off without her. Its just the trouble it would cause my sister and grandparents. I don't want to hurt them and the grandrents' are too old to handle it all. I'm sure it'll all work out in the end but I can't help picturing worse case scenario...
i thikn your automatically gonna imagine worse case scenario cause thats what we do but maybe pull your sister aside and ask her to tell your grandparents and you can tell your mom.i know you said they are to old but your not doing anything wrong here and dont want this crap.your a grown woman and its not fair that your gonna get the shit for wanting your dad in your life.i dont speak to my real dad or any of his side of the family,they are horrible and have tried many times but i just think iv got my own life now and im gonna do what i want not what any of them want.i really hope this gets better for you cause i do know how you feel.i now 200 miles away from all my family and friends because id had enough of it all! but i do miss certain family members.its just a shame everyone cant live in peace
xxx
It is very hard when families break down like that, my mum and dad split when I was about 15, I stayed with my dad and brother because my mum dumped us back home while she went off with another bloke! it really hurt me and still does now im 27 married with a child and another on the way but parents have a way of making you feel like a kid again. My mum is still my mum and she comes round and sees my son sometimes but we have never been as close since she left my dad because she doesnt do mum things with me and my dad is still very bitter about it all so he sometimes says nasty things about her he shouldnt but it still hurts. All I can say is just do whats best for you, if you want both parents to be part of your childs life you can just dont expect them to all be arround at the same time :-)
Hope it all gets sorted out, maybe your mum will come round eventually - especially if you're not willing to let her go easily! It's good that your dad is so understanding, it sounds like he supports your decisions at least :-) It would be so hard to keep up the secrecy of not telling them about your new relationship with him and you don't need that stress in your life. Perhaps you can explain gently to your sister and grandmother before talking about it to your mum. It's not going to be easy I guess, but maybe it will all work out when everyone has had some time to think about the situation, maybe its time for them to put the past behind them especially if they have already moved on with their own lives anyway. xx
oh chick,youve got a family like mine! so understand where youre coming from completly,to be honest when i told my mom i was speaking to my brother again afetr a huge bust up she went berserk,i told her that i love them both and i wanted them both in my life and that she should respect that.in return i got a p**s off and dont come back.eventually though she came round to the idea as i wouldnt back down!stick to your guns,youre entitled to have your dad in your life!i dont speak to my real dad but he actually was a very bad guy so my mum wasnt lying there but my mum is also very stubborn and likes things only her way.its all crap basically,if you can forgive and forget all the crap then so should she.here if you wanna talk
xxx
Thanx - it shows we can pick our friends and not our families! It sounds awful but if she told me to p*ss off I wouldn't give two hoots about it. She has caused all the trouble in the first place I would be better off without her. Its just the trouble it would cause my sister and grandparents. I don't want to hurt them and the grandrents' are too old to handle it all. I'm sure it'll all work out in the end but I can't help picturing worse case scenario...
Don't not mention Dad to Mam but relationship with mam steadily went downhill when I got engaged and we were barely speaking when I got married. She wasn't at wedding. I remain civil with her for sake of sister and grandparents who have done so much for me. My Dad is completely understanding of situation but mam wouldn't be as understanding (probably because she told everyone a pack of lies years ago when they split and made dad out to be the bad guy). Thing is is that I am not judging there actions. They are now with people that make them happy and that makes me fulfilled. I needed to know why they split for my own marriage but I want both parents in my life and have a right to that but I won't be given that option. I will be made to choose like I did when I was 10 years old. She will not show me the respect I deserve and she will view me as disrespectful for getting in touch with my father. She will then tell her side of the family a pack of lies and make me the bad guy! Its opening a can of worms and I didn't want to be the one to do it... the longer I leave it the harder it gets.
oh chick,youve got a family like mine! so understand where youre coming from completly,to be honest when i told my mom i was speaking to my brother again afetr a huge bust up she went berserk,i told her that i love them both and i wanted them both in my life and that she should respect that.in return i got a p**s off and dont come back.eventually though she came round to the idea as i wouldnt back down!stick to your guns,youre entitled to have your dad in your life!i dont speak to my real dad but he actually was a very bad guy so my mum wasnt lying there but my mum is also very stubborn and likes things only her way.its all crap basically,if you can forgive and forget all the crap then so should she.here if you wanna talk
xxx
Hey I really feel for your situation and you should NOT have to be in this position at all, especially as you are trying to create a solid and caring family yourself :-( Do you speak much to your mum about your dad anymore or is that conversation COMPLETELY off limits still? Is there any way they might understand if you explain how you want to be in contact with ALL ... but let them know you still realise and respect their personal feelings? (and that they should then respect YOUR feelings/decisions in return!) I hope it works out, it sounds complicated and I realise there is no straightforward answer. But you have a right to know and be a part of your fathers life without fearing getting cut off from the rest of the family. take care and good luck with it! xx
Don't not mention Dad to Mam but relationship with mam steadily went downhill when I got engaged and we were barely speaking when I got married. She wasn't at wedding. I remain civil with her for sake of sister and grandparents who have done so much for me. My Dad is completely understanding of situation but mam wouldn't be as understanding (probably because she told everyone a pack of lies years ago when they split and made dad out to be the bad guy). Thing is is that I am not judging there actions. They are now with people that make them happy and that makes me fulfilled. I needed to know why they split for my own marriage but I want both parents in my life and have a right to that but I won't be given that option. I will be made to choose like I did when I was 10 years old. She will not show me the respect I deserve and she will view me as disrespectful for getting in touch with my father. She will then tell her side of the family a pack of lies and make me the bad guy! Its opening a can of worms and I didn't want to be the one to do it... the longer I leave it the harder it gets.
Advice sought...
My parents split up when I was 10 years old and I remained with my mam and younger sister. Break-up was not amicable and I lost touch with my father shortly afterwards. Mam would rant and rave at us whenever we visited him and in the end I took the decision to break contact because Mam got so mental about it.I tried to make contact again with my dad when I was 18 but Dad didn't seem the same man. I dropped the contact again but when I got married I really felt like something was missing. I had a marriage of my own to work at and really needed to know and understand what went wrong with my parents so I didn't make the same mistake. With the support of my in-laws I got back in touch with my Dad and I have never looked back. He was suffering depression when I had got in touch at 18, explaining why he didn't seem the same. I now also know why my parents split up and that I was pretty much brainwashed into only seeing one side of the story.
The problem is is that my Mam and sister and her side of the family don't know I am in touch with Dad and its now almost 18 months down the line I feel like I am leading a double life. I am frightened of the reaction on my mam's side for a number of reasons being 1/ harassment and poison pen letters. 2/ My grandma and sister are of ill health and I don't want to upset them 3/ After the harassment I will be cut out of that side of the family and I don't want that because it then efects everyone.
Now I am trying for a family the potential is there for the two sides to meet and I can't deal with it and honestly feel like I shouldn't have to either.
Any suggestions as to what I should do?
Hey I really feel for your situation and you should NOT have to be in this position at all, especially as you are trying to create a solid and caring family yourself :-( Do you speak much to your mum about your dad anymore or is that conversation COMPLETELY off limits still? Is there any way they might understand if you explain how you want to be in contact with ALL ... but let them know you still realise and respect their personal feelings? (and that they should then respect YOUR feelings/decisions in return!) I hope it works out, it sounds complicated and I realise there is no straightforward answer. But you have a right to know and be a part of your fathers life without fearing getting cut off from the rest of the family. take care and good luck with it! xx
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