if it hadnt been for controlled crying i honestly dont know how i wouldnt of lost my mind with my first little girl. by about 10wks it was apparent that she just cried. unless she was asleep or being fed she was screaming. now there couldnt of constantly been something wrong could there?
i dont think i kept to the exact rules of it, i used to leave her a few minutes, then go in and re-settle her. if it went on longer than 10 mins, id pick her u check for all the normal things, wet nappy, hungry ect. but i would then re settle her.
she is 5 now, and i have never had any fuss at bedtime. she has never done that up and down thing most children go through. she has her ovaltine a story and a cuddle and then i go downstairs and she goes to sleep.
my second one has never really cried unless she actually wants someting so i have not needed to use this method, but if i need to i will.
as long as thier waking hours are filled with attention and cuddles there is no reason why your child wont grow up feeling loved and secure.
obviously if its apparent your child has had a nightmare then that to me is a total different story, but otherwise i think its a good idea to teach children that bedtime is not negotiable as young as poss.
x x x x
hi ive just seen this post i have a 4 week old little boy and a 6 year old son who has a very noticable dissability he only has 1 arm was born like that now i dont agree nor disseagree with controlled crying my 4 week old crys all the time the only time he doesnt is when he is asleep and i do find it hard as my hubby isnt very supportive and my 6 year old being the way he is needs just a little extra help in doing things than a normall boy of his age would like dressing bathing etc my hubby does nothing in the house to help unless i ask him to.so as for the 4 week old and the crying yes i do have to let him cry sometimes and he does stop after a min or so but i do always pick him up in the end and he stops so yes it is a tricky 1 to answere i couldnt possibly pick him up everytime he wimpers or crys its that bad im thinking of getting a baby carrier so i can strap him to me so i can get things done housework shopping etc just the daily thing that have to be done but then i think i would be making a bad situation even worser and a rod for my own back.xxxx
I havnt had my baby yet, but this has been quite an interesting post to read. I defo think that controlled crying can only be a good thing to help them learn your not always going to be there and let them selfs fall back to sleep. Obv not allowing them to cry for hours and hours and if they were getting really distressed a quick reassurance etc but i think if ur to mollycoddle them all the time, they will end up in later years taking the p***! Obv Iv not had my baby yet but just from what i have heard etc x
I completely disagree with controlled crying. The only reason a baby stops crying with this method is that they realise no-one is coming so they give up. Crying is their form of communication. You may have checked and be sure that they are winded and fed and dry .... but what about the most basic human need for affection. That seems to be totally disregarded here. Babies want affection just like everyone else. My son is now 2 1/2 years old and I never once left him crying. EAch time he woke up crying I would go in an check he was fine with regard to dry or wind, after that I would cuddle him and give him the affection he wanted. He would then feel nice & happy and go back to sleep feeling reassured and secure. I have never had any problems with him going to sleep or taking his afternoon nap. I have read lots of research on this subject and the figures show that those babies that are NOT left to cry in fact grown up to be more secure and independent adults. To me that is obvious as by responding to them when they cry you are making them feeling secure, and thus they will feel more confident and independent. There needs to be more advice given to mothers of this so that this choice can be taken with more confidence, instead of the very outdated and incorrect thoughts of controlled crying. I feel sorry for all those babies who are subjected to this method.
I think to say you 'feel sorry for all those babies who are subjected to this method' is a bit harsh.
Sometimes if my daughter isnt so tired that she literally falls asleep straight away she will cry for a few minutes as in a strop because she doesnt want to go to bed.
And it doesnt bother me leaving her to whinge for a few minutes because i know if i went up there she would be awake all night, get her second wind and never go to sleep - surely thats much more unhealthy for a child to be so tired than to let them go to sleep.
Often if my daughter is over tired she will cry because shes so tired she doesnt know what to do, if i go up there she cries even more because she just needs to be left to fall asleep, and she doesnt WANT to be cuddled and stroked.
Obviously if she was upset for a reason then i would go and reassure her, but otherwise bedtime is bedtime and she needs to know that.
If you responded to their every cry and whinge they would just do it for attention ALL the time, and get exactly what they want, when they want it.
Some people really do make it sound like abuse for letting your child whinge for a few minutes.
I completely disagree with controlled crying. The only reason a baby stops crying with this method is that they realise no-one is coming so they give up. Crying is their form of communication. You may have checked and be sure that they are winded and fed and dry .... but what about the most basic human need for affection. That seems to be totally disregarded here. Babies want affection just like everyone else. My son is now 2 1/2 years old and I never once left him crying. EAch time he woke up crying I would go in an check he was fine with regard to dry or wind, after that I would cuddle him and give him the affection he wanted. He would then feel nice & happy and go back to sleep feeling reassured and secure. I have never had any problems with him going to sleep or taking his afternoon nap. I have read lots of research on this subject and the figures show that those babies that are NOT left to cry in fact grown up to be more secure and independent adults. To me that is obvious as by responding to them when they cry you are making them feeling secure, and thus they will feel more confident and independent. There needs to be more advice given to mothers of this so that this choice can be taken with more confidence, instead of the very outdated and incorrect thoughts of controlled crying. I feel sorry for all those babies who are subjected to this method.
I agree with dhathaway, in that I completely disagree with so-called controlled crying, certainly at 18 weeks old. A baby of this age can't be 'reasoned with'. He or she is born with a powerful need for affection and needs to build up a feeling of security and trust, knowing that you will be there for them. This will give them the confidence later to venture out as secure and independent children (and, eventually, adults), knowing that they are loved and can count on you. My inlaws told me not to pick up my (yet to be born!) baby all the time and that 'babies are manipulative', but none of the research bears this out. Just type 'can you spoil a baby under 3 months old?' into an internet search and you'll see that the unanimous answer is 'NO'. A very good book on this subject is 'The Happiest Baby On The Block' by Harvey Karp MD which explains what babies need from birth to 3 months, and gives a simple 5-point strategy for how to calm them called 'The Cuddle Cure'. Obviously, as my baby isn't here yet, I haven't had chance to put these ideas into practice, but already it feels right. Why does it feel so hard to leave a baby to cry? Could it be that you should trust your instinct to pick them up and comfort them because that's the right thing to do? When they're old enough to learn that it's bedtime, that's a different matter.
Good luck!
Hey, obviously its upto the individual and I am not for picking a child up everytime they wimper. However I recently read a book and it assessed the effect of being left alone as a baby, it said that after a while the brain began to release some kind of hormone which is a stress hormone (OK so I didnt read the big names of stuff!). This hormone is found in the majority of kids who have trouble with social boundaries/discipline at the ages of 11-15. When the adolescent became stressed the hormone causes them to panic and become stressed in the same way that a baby does crying alone. x
Hello,
my first son is now 21 months. He started to sleep through the night very early on and never really had a problem sleeping at night or during the day.
He has always been a very happy baby and would not cry for no reason.
When he was about 18 months old he started to cry when I went to put him to bed at night and he would cry for ages. At first, I did stay with him caressing him gently and reassuring him until he would eventually falling asleep, but had a feeling that something wasn't quite right.
Then, I reluctantly tried controlled crying as so many of my friends had told me it worked.
I was never confortable with it and it was quite hearbreaking and hard to do, so I only lasted 3 days.
Then, on day four I had a thought that perhaps what he wanted and needed was extra cuddle time before bed. So after his bottle we cuddled on the sofa before going to bed for an extra 15-20 minutes.
That same day when i put him to bed he went to sleep straight away and did not wake up until the morning.
Now, we do the same every night and he lets me know when he is ready for bed.
Every child is different and has different need. I don't think that there is right or wrong with any method. Just follow your instinct.
Good luck
Hey, obviously its upto the individual and I am not for picking a child up everytime they wimper. However I recently read a book and it assessed the effect of being left alone as a baby, it said that after a while the brain began to release some kind of hormone which is a stress hormone (OK so I didnt read the big names of stuff!). This hormone is found in the majority of kids who have trouble with social boundaries/discipline at the ages of 11-15. When the adolescent became stressed the hormone causes them to panic and become stressed in the same way that a baby does crying alone. x
Hi. It is very difficult to leave your child to cry, but i found it easier with a supportive partner, and also when my mum was around when she came to stay. Basically if he was fed, safe & dry we knew he was just crying to get to sleep. Our son would cry sometimes for 15mins, but it wasn't a continous cry, it would be interrupted which for us meant that there wasn't anything wrong with him he was just crying. It takes time to recognise their different cries, but when he did cry like this he went to sleep no probs and was chirpy in the morning. I have found there to be no harm in leaving him to cry. It is not affecting his general well being. When he was waking in the night at 6months or so i would leave him to cry and he did go back to sleep. He cries because he's woken up and is frustrated that he's awake!! I found that if i did go in to soothe him he got more frustrated and didn't want the fuss, so i learnt to leave him!
To be honest, you are lucky if your baby sleeps through at 18weeks. If you think he's waking with hunger then just give him more milk, there shouldn't be a need for solids at this stage. Perhaps it's a growth spurt and they can last for a week sometimes! Our babe had no solids until 6months, and i did find myself doing the occasional night feed when it was growth spurt time, then we went straight onto baby led weaning (no baby rice/purees etc)
Be patient and you'll soon see that the advice the HV is giving is right!
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