Husband afraid to bond with daughter

For many people- and especially for men- the only skin to skin contact they experience as adults is in a sexual context. The thought that he might feel sexually aroused by skin contact with his daughter would, in most cases, have been no more than a passing thought (as it "will this feel sexy" might be for a woman who puts a baby to her breast) but this will have been hightened by your history. The more you push him the more the fear. The less he holds her, the more akward and helpless he will feel about doing so.

Bonding does not require skin contact. Nor does love. He can love and bond and care and be close with layers of clothing between. Encourage him to talk and play with his daughter, to rock her to sleep in his arms and to sit watching TV or listening to music with her lying (fully clothed) across his chest.

His worries reflect his deep sympathy and concern with you. Love him for it and accept that your history affects you both. Of course you want a proper Dad for your daughter, of course he fears that quite ordinary men like himself can turn into monsters when they have children. It will take time and patience for you both. Talk about it and try your very best to accept each others point of view.
Dorothy Einon

Hi I think it's today's society that makes fellas think that way as mine is cautious, more so in public. Unfortunately your fella sounds like his cautiousness has been heightened as I assume he knows about your dad?

My partner's brother won't kiss his nephew or be around when there is a nappy change and I think it's because he's not comfortable. But that aside he's brilliant playing with my son, like a bigger brother to him and he's never been around kids.

Give it time, I agree with the two answers below, if he's being a fun dad and cuddling and kissing her with clothes on then she's getting proper daddy time. It's still early days at 9wks, just wait he'll be doing it before you know it and if you have another one, they just do it without thinking trust me! xxx

Hi. My husband was never too keen on bathing our daughter (I think he was afraid he would accidentally drown her or something!!) and didn't get the whole skin to skin bonding thing either, he wasn't afraid, he just didn't understand it's purpose!! Our daughter is now 16 months and my husband is really enjoying being a dad to her now she is not so fragile and a lot more interactive. Some men can't grasp how to communicate with a very young baby, I don't think they all have the same understanding as mothers do when it comes to expressing ourselves without words. I agree with Hollysmama in that if your husband is happy to interact with your daughter when she is dressed then I would leave it at that. The more you push it the more it will become an obstacle and an issue. My friend's brother in law will not kiss his 3 year old neice for fear that someone might misconstrue his actions. It's a terrible world we live in when we are afraid of expressing our genuine affection for our children and families! I'm sorry to hear about your past and I hope you can get all that behind you. The only one who can allow the past to still haunt you is yourself, it can't affect your life if you don't let it. (I know it's a bit different but I have a father who is a raging alcoholic and is incredibly anti-social but I just keep my distance from him and carry on enjoying my life!!) Concentrate on all the good times your husband has with your daughter and I hope things improve soon. xxx

Although skin to skin contact does help with bonding and is a lovely experience its not an absolute must. If your husbands happy to hold.cuddle and talk to your baby when shes dressed then theres already a bond there. In todays society its very easy for men to become afraid of the consequences of being seen to be close to a naked child and i have known a few men who carried this fear into their own father/child relationships.Ive also known many a man who have NEVER changed a single nappy!!! I think if your husbands happy to deal with your dressed baby and they are bonding well id leave it at that and maybe within time he will relax and take part more in bathing her etc. Have you had counselling regarding your past? Maybe you and your husband could both benefit from talking to someone who knows all about living with the past youve had.
I hope it all works out for you x

I'm having trouble with my husband. He won't do skin to skin with our now 9 week old daughter and I've only managed to get him to bath her once and even then I had to help. I've even tried handing her to him with just her nappy on but he wouldn't take her until he threw a blanket round her. There is nothing wrong with him doing any of these things but he worries people will think he's one of those people that hurt little girls. I think he worries I will think that too because the man who used to be my dad was one. Its really irritating me and I don't want him to still be ruining our lives even though he's not here. I want my husband to be how a dad really should be. And what if I have another child whose a boy, I don't want my daughter feeling that her dad does love her as much. Its unlikely anyone here has been in this same situation but still might be able to help. How can I help him be closer to her?