How to cope with a toddler and a newborn
It’s hard enough coping with one baby, but what if you’re expecting
another and you have a toddler as well. How will you cope? Will you
ever sleep fully through the night? How will you give both your
children enough attention?
Rest assured every second-time-around-mum-to-be wonders how on earth they are going to cope with two, when they were just about coping with one! Luckily, on the whole, second babies are easier than first babies. This is because you as parents are much more relaxed. During your second pregnancy you probably ate a little bit more of the foods you shouldn’t have, lifted your toddler when your belly was huge, had much less rest and probably read far less literature on your pregnancy than the first time around. In fact, most women find that the ‘pregnancy and baby’ obsession that happens during a first pregnancy doesn’t happen in the second or subsequent pregnancies because they simply don’t have the time.
Second births
Second births
are in general, quicker and easier, than the first, so this coupled
with you having (hopefully) a more relaxed pregnancy, means that you
should be much more laid-back in your approach to parenting. Of course
this is all very ‘general’ and some mums will find that their second
pregnancies are more fraught and second births worse than the first. On
the whole, because you’ve done it all before you know what to expect.
You’ve changed
They say the biggest jump is going from two children to three
because it changes the dynamics of your family unit, but I think the
biggest jump of all is going from having no babies to having a newborn.
This is because before you have babies you cannot imagine what life
will be like without lie-ins or without a whole night’s sleep. You hear
stories about sleep-deprived parents but you refuse to believe it will
happen to you! When it happens of course it’s the biggest shock of your
life because your body takes a real battering. Not so second time
around. Now your body is used to existing on very little sleep, your
ears are in tune to baby cries and you’re also a little less anxious.
When your newborn cries this time around, you’ll probably be able to
rise from a deep sleep, deal with him and drift back to sleep. You’re
now a seasoned mum! Remember when you were a new mum last time and even
the thought of bathing your baby or leaving the house for that matter,
seemed too daunting a task at the beginning. This time around
practicalities take over.
Crying
There is no time for panic because you’ve got to bath a toddler
or get your toddler to nursery on time! You will also find that you’ll
have to leave your newborn crying for just a little bit longer so you
can deal with whatever it is your toddler needs. Your toddler is
probably the one who is about to put his fingers in the DVD player, or
fall off the couch. If your newborn is in a safe place, his cot or
strapped into a baby bouncer, it’s fine to leave him crying (as long as
he isn't ill) if you need to deal with your toddler first. This in
turn will also make your newborn less needy. When your firstborn was
tiny you probably stood over her while she slept and leapt to her the
minute she let out a tiny cry. You can’t be like this with a second
child because you have to deal with your toddler, but it will hopefully
make your newborn less needy and clingy to you.
Don’t panic
The thought of having two is much worse than actually having two
babies to look after. For a start, practicalities take over. As
mentioned above, this time around you don’t have the excuse of being a
first time mum who can spend the day in her nightie. This time your
toddler might need a run around in the park, or you might need to pick
up a supply of new nappies. I can assure you that you will cope. The
trick is to be organised. Here are top tips, compiled by mums to help
you second-time around…
Get your toddler interested in the new baby
Start talking to your toddler about your new baby as soon as
your bump really starts to show. (Not too early as toddlers have no
real concept of time). Try not to say things like, ‘the new baby will
be your friend’ or ‘the new baby wants to play with your toys’, which
might make your toddler become territorial. It’s better to ask if your
toddler will help give the new baby a bath and help pick clothes for
her. It might help to take your toddler shopping with you when you buy
items for the new baby. Include your toddler in decisions such as what
to name
the new baby (but obviously make sure he doesn’t get upset when you
don’t call your newborn Buzz Lightyear) and what mummy should take to
hospital with her. It might be a good idea to buy your toddler a baby
and a buggy as a present from the new baby. I gave my toddler a baby
and a buggy as a present from her new baby sister when she came to see
us in the maternity ward. This went down really well and almost a year
on she still talks about the doll and buggy as the one her little
sister bought her when she 'got born'! It also means afterwards when
you are doing bathtime/nappy changes/walking in the park, your toddler
can bring along his or her buggy and baby. (Little boys respond to
babies in buggies just as well as little girls).
Accept help
The first time around you probably felt bombarded by visitors
arriving in steady streams cooing over your baby. I’ll bet you wanted
to be left alone with your baby. Second time around, you’ll be glad of
the help. For the first few days after you bring your newborn home it
will take you a while to get back into the swing of having a tiny baby
again and while you’re getting used to it, it’s going to be a big help
if someone like a grandparent is spoiling your toddler, taking them out
to the park and making them feel special while mummy gets used to the
new baby. This at least will make up for them feeling neglected when
you first get home. It also means that while you are hobbling around
recovering from stitches/c-section scars and general wear and tear, you won’t have a toddler trying to jump on your engorged boobs!
Be organised
Probably easier said then done, but if you start to get into the
routine of doing things a certain way it can make looking after two
babies much easier. Bring a changing mat downstairs and a stock of
nappies and wipes so that you don’t have to take both children upstairs
with every nappy change. Lay out clothes the night before so that you
are not rooting around for outfits the next morning with two children
squirming about. Pre-birth try to make up mini shepherd’s pies/pastas
etc for your toddler so you can freeze and cook when you need them to
save you having to think about cooking tea in the early days. The best
present I got after having my second child was when a friend popped by
with a bolognese sauce! She didn't stay or want anything, she just
wanted to make us an evening meal! It was perfect, so if anyone offers
their help - ask for bolognese!
Include your toddler in everything
Get your toddler to help you with the new baby’s bathtime, or
preparing bottles. Explain to him that his little sister can’t play
with him or eat the food he eats yet until she grows a lot bigger. Get
your toddler to choose what your newborn should wear or play with that
day. Including your toddler will make him feel part of life with a new
baby rather than constantly being in the way.
Don’t make big changes until your toddler has accepted the new baby
If you are planning to potty train your toddler or move him into
a toddler bed from the cot, wait until he has accepted the newborn,
once you are a month or so into life with both of them. You’ll be
surprised at how your toddler just accepts the fact that a new baby is
here to stay now! Your toddler’s world has changed dramatically, he is
no longer the centre of your attention, so try to keep other aspects of
his life as normal as possible until he has accepted the change of
life!
Don’t feel guilty about tv/skipping bath etc
Unless you are an octopus or you have a nanny,
you are going to feel as if you don't have enough hands or hours in the
day! It’s ok to put your toddler in front of the TV while you put your
newborn down for her nap. This may be against your instincts when
you’ve probably spent a year trying to tear him away from the TV.
However, remember that as long as your toddler is safe, he’ll be
prefecty happy (and grateful) to be allowed to watch TV and at least
you know that he is in one place and probably won’t move until you
return and isn’t in fact raiding your sharp knife drawer whilst you are
upstairs. The same goes for skipping both their baths if you’re too
tired and don’t feel up to it. It’s not going to harm them to have a
night off having a bath once in a while to help you out.
Make time for your toddler
It’s hard especially if you are breastfeeding
to be away from your newborn but if you can spare an hour or more away
and get your partner or a grandparent to mind your newborn, try to take
your toddler to the park for example, so that you can have some one on
one time together without you worrying about your new baby. Your
toddler will love mummy’s individual attention all to himself again.
Reassure him that you love him and you love spending time with him.
Explain to him that you have to spend time with your newborn because
she is very small but she won’t need quite so much of mummy’s time when
she grows.
While you are breastfeeding or bottlefeeding keep a toy basket for your toddler nearby
In the toy basket keep all of your toddler’s
favourite things, but change the toys in the basket frequently so that
your toddler is always interested to look inside. This way your toddler
should be interested in the basket and won’t wander off to another room
whilst you are feeding your newborn. Before you begin the feed, get
your toddler a drink and maybe a snack and keep the phone nearby so
that you don’t have to get up for anything!
Sleep when your baby sleeps
Hmmm if you found this difficult with one baby (like I did)
you’ll find it impossible with two! If your toddler doesn’t need a nap
in the day it won’t work either. However, you could always put your
newborn down for a nap and if you’re exhausted, have some quiet time
with your toddler in his room by listening to nursery rhymes or reading
quiet stories. I’ve persuaded my toddler to play ‘sleeping bunnies’ in
the past so that I could shut my eyes for five minutes!
Do your best
Having two babies is hard work. In fact, being
a mum is hard work. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t make it to the
supermarket or the toddler and baby group. (Or you do make it but your
hair is greasy and you are wearing yesterday’s clothes!) You will feel
guilty that all your time is taken up with either one or the other
child, which means the other one will have been neglected, but this is
the reality of having more than one baby. You may feel guilty because
your firstborn got so much attention and it is physically impossible to
give your second born that kind of attention. If you can put your
toddler into a nursery a couple of times a week it will take the load
off you and free you up to do things with your newborn. DO NOT feel
guilty about this. Your toddler will probably enjoy being at a
playgroup much more than helping you wash bottles out at home!
Need a second-time around refresher course? Here's a few tips for looking after a newborn again:
The information on this feature is intended for educational
purposes only. If you have any concerns about your health, the health
of your child or the health of someone you know, please consult with a
doctor or other healthcare professional.
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