Dealing with tantrums

There is no one-size-fits-all way of dealing with tantrums, and recognising the tantrum trigger is the key to coping with it. A toddler who becomes frustrated with his inability to complete a puzzle and kicks the pieces across the room, screaming, will be better calmed by you patiently helping him to do what he is attempting than by taking the puzzle away and giving him a time-out. However, a child who deliberately seeks to disobey sensible rules set by his parents and throws a tantrum when caught in the act need to be dealt with firmly and made to understand the potential consequences of his actions. For young children, this can be hard to do (for example, teaching your child the dangers of walking into the road without looking), and the only sensible course of action may well be a strict time-out. A child who feels they are being ignored may throw a tantrum simply to gain some attention, and the clear solution to this kind of tantrum is to give them as little attention as possible, ignoring their behaviour and even leaving the child on their own, where practicable. Visit our behaviour section for more information.

Methods of dealing with tantrums

Supporting
If the tantrum is the result of your child’s frustration with their inability to master something, or communicate his wishes, be firm when explaining that his behaviour isn’t acceptable, but try to find a way of supporting and encouraging him as well. Show him that with a little patience and perseverance, he can succeed.

Ignoring
If your child is throwing a tantrum in order to gain attention, then the most sure-fire way to thwart them is to pay them no attention whatsoever. Leaving the room, thereby removing their audience, will leave them pretty crest-fallen. In the short term, they may up the stakes in order to try desperately to get you back, but after a few such experiences, they are likely to realize that they are not achieving their aim, and try other (hopefully more pleasant!) tactics instead.

One thing which can be hard for parents to grasp is that for many children, negative attention is just as desirable as positive attention. Pointing out that “everyone is staring at you!” may simply highlight a new benefit to public tantrum-throwing!

Time-out
If a child is being deliberately destructive or has lost control to such a degree that he may hurt himself or those around him, you may face no option but a time-out in his room or a neutral space where he can let off steam safely and hopefully calm down. Bear in mind however that some children find it difficult to calm down by themselves, and may need to be calmed down by an activity, such as reading a story or singing a song with actions.

Getting angry
One doesn’t have to be a child psychologist to see that shouting at a tantrum-throwing toddler is reinforcing the very kind of behaviour you are trying to stop. You are also likely to simply wind up your child even more, and in the older toddler, getting you to lose your cool has probably been their main aim all along. Keeping calm in the face of provocation like this will be one of the hardest tests you have to face with your child, but if you can manage it, it will pay dividends.

See our article on Averting tantrums, or our video Dealing with tantrums for help with your toddler. Why not Chat to other mums about their methods of dealing with toddler tantrums.

Last Modified: 11/07/2007

Dealing with tantrums

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